Influences, Inspiration and Interpreations of my Poems
I am writing this section to outline details on my poems for anyone who likes poetic backgrounds. People are always welcome to have their own interpretations since most poems have multiple nuances.
1987-89 (in high school)
# A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written
This poem was written to detail the 10-letter-word referenced at the beginning, which is the word loneliness.
# Glances - circa 1989
# Forever - circa 1989
These 2 poems were written about a high school crush I had on a student a grade older than me (Matt Adams).
1991 (in college)
# Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991
I fell deeply in love with the man who I thought would be my soulmate, a college professor in my sophmore year of French. He didn't return the feelings. I had a nervous breakdown, which prompted the next poem
# The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe
The last poem I wrote before trying to commit suicide by taking 60 Tylenol due to believing I'd never have an intimate relationship or find the truth in the universe. I was right.
2001 (worked in insurance company at the time)
# The Shadow's Deep - originally circa 1991, revised 2001
This was originally written because I always had an obsession with dying by drowning. I later re-wrote it to be the siren song chanted in Bran's narrative for Endar, the online interactive novel I've been writing for ages.
2002 (same job as prior year)
# The Whirlwind - 2002 Oct 22
I was working 2 jobs when I wrote this and felt like I was in a rut. I hadn't really written any poems for a long time and was bored, so I decided to do one after such a long hiatus. I pretty much just wanted to get back into writing poetry just for Endar at the time, since I decided I would need some poems for it.
2003 (working at webhosting company in support)
# growing - 2003 May (not yet on blog)
Written for my gardening site to detail the changing seasons still having growing flowers.
2005 (promoted in same company to sysadmin; start Anything & Everything Writing Forum)
# A melancholic tune - 2005 Feb 25
I started a writing forum and wanted to start poetry in earnest again, but was pretty melancholic due to the weather.
# Ophir - 2005 Apr 1
I had a dream in about 1996 about finding Ophir. At that time, I was an anthropology student looking forward to going into archaeology. Even though I didn't end up doing that, the dream was the best and most vivid I've ever had.
# Hear My Heart - 2005 Sept 3
Wanting a friend (not a lover), I wrote this poem about finding intimacy with another soul.
# Wasting Away - 2005 Nov 28
Even though I'd intended to begin writing more on Endar and poetry, I hadn't done much due to overall laziness and lack of inspiration. This poem details the wasted years of any possible talent I might have developed.
2006 (promoted in same company to sysadmin supervisor)
# Meant To Be - 2006 Jan 21
An attempt to write a love poem that ends well for once.
# My True Heart - 2006 Jun 10
Another person on my forum, paradox, wrote an essay or poem (can't remember which now) that prompted this poem in return from me.
# song of the journey's end - 2006 Jul 10
Written specifically for Endar, it is intended as an end poem for the story.
# Who I Am - 2006 Jul 18
On jasidog.com forum, I read about a member there who met another and they had just had a child recently together. Looking at my life and the continued loneliness along with never having had a lover nor child, I wrote this poem.
# Periphery - 2006 Aug 26
Looking at death by sinking slowly into the periphery, this poem actually celebrates the beauty of quietly passing into that realm.
# Standing by the Gate - 2006 Oct 28
I wrote this poem during the first time I had to go to Vegas for my company, then waited several months to post it. While in Vegas, I never went to do anything like typical at home in Iowa and just was an observer for other people living life.
2007 (promoted in same company to sysadmin manager of training)
# Strangers in the Day - 2007 Jan 6
Even though I'd never had any relationship, I've often considered personally just one night stands are a bit sinful (due to my upbringing as Catholic). This poem was intended to thresh through that idea.
# I Wish I Could - 2007 Feb 6
A Harry Potter fan, I wrote this poem as a fun one about the characters.
# The Damaged Soul - 2007 Feb 6
Written thinking of Severus Snape's character in the Harry Potter books and how it relates to my life as well.
# A Strange Celebration - 2007 Feb 17
Written for Alan Rickman's birthday, this poem was done by request for a forum I used to belong to that was a Harry Potter fan forum. I said I'd write something for his birthday for the other members.
# If I Love You - 2007 Jun 27
Yet another poem bemoaning my lack of a real relationship with a significant other.
-- 2007 Nov AFI becomes favorite new group (never heard of them before this time, any poetic influences would start from this date) --
# Dreaming - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
Written about the only true type of love I can conceive, the love between a child and a parent. Here I am wishfully thinking about a future child I might have and this is a bit of a lullaby type poem for the child.
# The Vampire's Lament - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
The first poem on my vampire obsession started for my "Damned for Eternity" novella.
# frozen statues - 2007 Dec 17
The first poem written inspired by AFI. I watched "Love Like Winter" repeatedly due to becoming obsessed with AFI's music. I would also say I was a bit enamored with the lead singer, Davey Havok. The poem is about love that you cannot touch or have.
# The Damned - 2007 Dec 22
A haiku written for vampires.
# disconnect - 2007 Dec 24
My philosophy of the universe based on nihilism.
# The Festival of Lights - 2007 Dec 25
A poem on Hanakah.
2008 (same job as prior year)
# Bathed in Blue - 2008 Jan 7
I went to see the group Blaqk Audio, which has Davey Havok as lead singer and Jade Puget on music (2 AFI members). The venue was in San Francisco on New Years Eve. During my favorite Blaqk Audio song called "Bitter for Sweet", a blue spotlight shone down on Davey. This poem was to commemorate the event for all time for me.
# Dark to Light - 2008 Jan 9
A poem about my own battle with depression, darkness and striving to find the light. My own battle with me to find who I am and come home.
# indigo petals - 2008 Jan 13
A poem about the year 1998 when almost all of my family died and I attended mass funerals, including my father and paternal aunt's. The poem was inspired by "This Time Imperfect" by AFI. Note that the title "indigo petals" was picked by seeing Davey wearing indigo eyeshadow in the "I Heard a Voice" DVD rendition of "This Time Imperfect" so these indigo eyelids were the petals that I envisioned when I started the poem.
# The Playground - 2008 Jan 16
This poem is set to the word syllable pattern of "This Time Imperfect" by AFI, my favorite song of theirs.
# streaming - 2008 Jan 18
I'd heard about stream of consciousness writing and wanted to see if I could just do something way beyond that poetically. The words each represent a complete picture / thought.
# The Arrival of Winter - 2008 Jan 19
I started this poem months earlier and finished the second half of it on this date. It is just detailing never telling the men I love that I love them due to fear and realization of rejection should I do so. That I will die never telling any man I love him.
# Part of Me - 2008 Jan 22
Inspired by the song "On the Arrow", this matches the word syllable pattern of that song. It is another AFI song.
# Bask in Your Light - 2008 Jan 22
I write so many dark poems that I challenged myself to write a happy one. This one is filled with the light of motherhood and the innocence of childhood.
# The Starting Tale - 2008 Jan 22
Another vampiric poem intended for my vampire novella.
# Baby - 2008 Jan 22
I wrote this poem about a cat I had called Baby who died at 3 months old due to her heart giving out.
# Moonlight Kite - 2008 Jan 23
This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Morningstar" by AFI.
# Flesh and Blood - 2008 Jan 31
This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Silver and Cold" by AFI.
# An Offering - 2008 Feb 11
A poem where the devil offers to let you sell your soul for short-term happiness.
# Below the Cellar - 2008 Feb 12
My poor attempt to write a sestina poem. It pretty well sucks.
# Cut Me Up - 2008 Feb 16
A poem using a unique 3 line stanza syllable pattern based on:
A
B
B
C
C
A
# The Morning After - 2008 Feb 24
Another poem for my vampire novella.
# The Salmon - 2008 Mar 3
A poem for Endar about the Salmon who ate the hazelnut from the tree of life to live forever and know all the wisdom of the world.
# The Box - 2008 Mar 6
Written to have many meanings. One is about separation from the group as an outsider. Another is that of being part of the Despair Faction (the fan club) for AFI. Another is about a contentious issue that arose on a forum I belong to whereby I was debating with another member about grouping and labelling and how people shouldn't be in groups. Finally, it is about pandora's box as well.
# Parting the Cracked Glass - 2008 Mar 7
The manner how vampires enter our world in my vampire novella. This poem is for that book.
# Responsibility - 2008 Mar 9
A poem from the man's perspective (I'm a woman btw) on a failed marriage.
# Partner Soul - 2008 Mar 15
The theme I've done before about not having found my soulmate.
# Letting Go of My Heart - 2008 Mar 21
How to cease being a bitch and a soulless ghost.
# zombie - 2008 Mar 28
I was thinking of the zombie dancing mob during a concert when I started this poem and it developed into American society in general.
# cold embrace - 2008 Apr 17
Unlike periphery, this poem is on an unpleasant death.
# my Demon - 2008 Apr 17
Although this is about a possessed person, it can hold true for anyone who has conflicted mental states where we have our own voice telling us to do things or believe things that negatively impact our perceptions of reality (such as "I'm fat" or "I'm stupid" type thinking).
# Bound - 2008 Apr 21
I was in a great deal of physical pain and agony, which happens a lot recently, when I wrote this poem.
# The Riddle - 2008 Apr 30
A poem for Endar, one of the riddles Bran and Elista will be asked to answer.
# Emo - 2008 May 3
A poem about feeling like an outsider and malcontent.
# White Rabbit - 2008 May 3
This poem was inspired by a picture of Davey Havok holding a white rabbit that I found online. I'm a vegetarian and decided I wanted to do a poem about being wild, our desires as humans and the confrontation between the beauty of the wild and our expectations of it. There's an underlying element where what we desire is perfect from afar and not so perfect upon seeing it up close, similar to the stylized images we see in pictures that have been airbrushed and digitally altered to seem perfect for celebrities.
# shuffle, without repeat - 2008 May 6
A poem about my father and the memories I often try to push aside due to the extreme grief that they cause to me.
# Hero - 2008 May 15
A poem on fear and dying in battle, which is about the hero Achilles.
# Little Yellow Ducky - 2008 May 18
I wrote this poem thinking about a yellow rubber duck and it became a poem on the cycle of life and death, including the size of things in the world.
# Final Credits - 2008 May 18
This one is easier to understand when read. I'm not sure I can explain it in prose.
# Decay - 2008 May 18
I wrote this poem about the decay of the body into old age and death.
# when i is lowercase - 2008 May 18
What I consider to be one of 3 great poems I've written ("The Seeds of Wisdom" and "frozen statues" the other 2 poems). This poem is about my dreams, how I have lost hope for them to ever come true, how the dreams of others now are my focus to make those people happy (my mom, the company I work for), and how the I of me isn't so important anymore, making it lowercase just like has happened in online society in chatting. Note that my company is a tech one, so we have a lot of online activity such as Jabber, ICQ, IRC.
# As Any Mother Would - 2008 May 19
Another attempt to write a semi-light filled poem, mainly because I have a poetic book I'm trying to complete and need around 22 poems that are "happier" for it.
# Godless - 2008 May 19
Another poem for my vampire novel, although I did consider changing it slightly to make it a second riddle for Bran and Elista (where it wouldn't be a vampire but another element instead).
# masks of water - 2008 May 20
The first set of haiku I'm actually happy with having written. These 4 are on states of water, all spring and summer images.
I am writing this section to outline details on my poems for anyone who likes poetic backgrounds. People are always welcome to have their own interpretations since most poems have multiple nuances.
1987-89 (in high school)
# A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written
This poem was written to detail the 10-letter-word referenced at the beginning, which is the word loneliness.
# Glances - circa 1989
# Forever - circa 1989
These 2 poems were written about a high school crush I had on a student a grade older than me (Matt Adams).
1991 (in college)
# Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991
I fell deeply in love with the man who I thought would be my soulmate, a college professor in my sophmore year of French. He didn't return the feelings. I had a nervous breakdown, which prompted the next poem
# The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe
The last poem I wrote before trying to commit suicide by taking 60 Tylenol due to believing I'd never have an intimate relationship or find the truth in the universe. I was right.
2001 (worked in insurance company at the time)
# The Shadow's Deep - originally circa 1991, revised 2001
This was originally written because I always had an obsession with dying by drowning. I later re-wrote it to be the siren song chanted in Bran's narrative for Endar, the online interactive novel I've been writing for ages.
2002 (same job as prior year)
# The Whirlwind - 2002 Oct 22
I was working 2 jobs when I wrote this and felt like I was in a rut. I hadn't really written any poems for a long time and was bored, so I decided to do one after such a long hiatus. I pretty much just wanted to get back into writing poetry just for Endar at the time, since I decided I would need some poems for it.
2003 (working at webhosting company in support)
# growing - 2003 May (not yet on blog)
Written for my gardening site to detail the changing seasons still having growing flowers.
2005 (promoted in same company to sysadmin; start Anything & Everything Writing Forum)
# A melancholic tune - 2005 Feb 25
I started a writing forum and wanted to start poetry in earnest again, but was pretty melancholic due to the weather.
# Ophir - 2005 Apr 1
I had a dream in about 1996 about finding Ophir. At that time, I was an anthropology student looking forward to going into archaeology. Even though I didn't end up doing that, the dream was the best and most vivid I've ever had.
# Hear My Heart - 2005 Sept 3
Wanting a friend (not a lover), I wrote this poem about finding intimacy with another soul.
# Wasting Away - 2005 Nov 28
Even though I'd intended to begin writing more on Endar and poetry, I hadn't done much due to overall laziness and lack of inspiration. This poem details the wasted years of any possible talent I might have developed.
2006 (promoted in same company to sysadmin supervisor)
# Meant To Be - 2006 Jan 21
An attempt to write a love poem that ends well for once.
# My True Heart - 2006 Jun 10
Another person on my forum, paradox, wrote an essay or poem (can't remember which now) that prompted this poem in return from me.
# song of the journey's end - 2006 Jul 10
Written specifically for Endar, it is intended as an end poem for the story.
# Who I Am - 2006 Jul 18
On jasidog.com forum, I read about a member there who met another and they had just had a child recently together. Looking at my life and the continued loneliness along with never having had a lover nor child, I wrote this poem.
# Periphery - 2006 Aug 26
Looking at death by sinking slowly into the periphery, this poem actually celebrates the beauty of quietly passing into that realm.
# Standing by the Gate - 2006 Oct 28
I wrote this poem during the first time I had to go to Vegas for my company, then waited several months to post it. While in Vegas, I never went to do anything like typical at home in Iowa and just was an observer for other people living life.
2007 (promoted in same company to sysadmin manager of training)
# Strangers in the Day - 2007 Jan 6
Even though I'd never had any relationship, I've often considered personally just one night stands are a bit sinful (due to my upbringing as Catholic). This poem was intended to thresh through that idea.
# I Wish I Could - 2007 Feb 6
A Harry Potter fan, I wrote this poem as a fun one about the characters.
# The Damaged Soul - 2007 Feb 6
Written thinking of Severus Snape's character in the Harry Potter books and how it relates to my life as well.
# A Strange Celebration - 2007 Feb 17
Written for Alan Rickman's birthday, this poem was done by request for a forum I used to belong to that was a Harry Potter fan forum. I said I'd write something for his birthday for the other members.
# If I Love You - 2007 Jun 27
Yet another poem bemoaning my lack of a real relationship with a significant other.
-- 2007 Nov AFI becomes favorite new group (never heard of them before this time, any poetic influences would start from this date) --
# Dreaming - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
Written about the only true type of love I can conceive, the love between a child and a parent. Here I am wishfully thinking about a future child I might have and this is a bit of a lullaby type poem for the child.
# The Vampire's Lament - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
The first poem on my vampire obsession started for my "Damned for Eternity" novella.
# frozen statues - 2007 Dec 17
The first poem written inspired by AFI. I watched "Love Like Winter" repeatedly due to becoming obsessed with AFI's music. I would also say I was a bit enamored with the lead singer, Davey Havok. The poem is about love that you cannot touch or have.
# The Damned - 2007 Dec 22
A haiku written for vampires.
# disconnect - 2007 Dec 24
My philosophy of the universe based on nihilism.
# The Festival of Lights - 2007 Dec 25
A poem on Hanakah.
2008 (same job as prior year)
# Bathed in Blue - 2008 Jan 7
I went to see the group Blaqk Audio, which has Davey Havok as lead singer and Jade Puget on music (2 AFI members). The venue was in San Francisco on New Years Eve. During my favorite Blaqk Audio song called "Bitter for Sweet", a blue spotlight shone down on Davey. This poem was to commemorate the event for all time for me.
# Dark to Light - 2008 Jan 9
A poem about my own battle with depression, darkness and striving to find the light. My own battle with me to find who I am and come home.
# indigo petals - 2008 Jan 13
A poem about the year 1998 when almost all of my family died and I attended mass funerals, including my father and paternal aunt's. The poem was inspired by "This Time Imperfect" by AFI. Note that the title "indigo petals" was picked by seeing Davey wearing indigo eyeshadow in the "I Heard a Voice" DVD rendition of "This Time Imperfect" so these indigo eyelids were the petals that I envisioned when I started the poem.
# The Playground - 2008 Jan 16
This poem is set to the word syllable pattern of "This Time Imperfect" by AFI, my favorite song of theirs.
# streaming - 2008 Jan 18
I'd heard about stream of consciousness writing and wanted to see if I could just do something way beyond that poetically. The words each represent a complete picture / thought.
# The Arrival of Winter - 2008 Jan 19
I started this poem months earlier and finished the second half of it on this date. It is just detailing never telling the men I love that I love them due to fear and realization of rejection should I do so. That I will die never telling any man I love him.
# Part of Me - 2008 Jan 22
Inspired by the song "On the Arrow", this matches the word syllable pattern of that song. It is another AFI song.
# Bask in Your Light - 2008 Jan 22
I write so many dark poems that I challenged myself to write a happy one. This one is filled with the light of motherhood and the innocence of childhood.
# The Starting Tale - 2008 Jan 22
Another vampiric poem intended for my vampire novella.
# Baby - 2008 Jan 22
I wrote this poem about a cat I had called Baby who died at 3 months old due to her heart giving out.
# Moonlight Kite - 2008 Jan 23
This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Morningstar" by AFI.
# Flesh and Blood - 2008 Jan 31
This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Silver and Cold" by AFI.
# An Offering - 2008 Feb 11
A poem where the devil offers to let you sell your soul for short-term happiness.
# Below the Cellar - 2008 Feb 12
My poor attempt to write a sestina poem. It pretty well sucks.
# Cut Me Up - 2008 Feb 16
A poem using a unique 3 line stanza syllable pattern based on:
A
B
B
C
C
A
# The Morning After - 2008 Feb 24
Another poem for my vampire novella.
# The Salmon - 2008 Mar 3
A poem for Endar about the Salmon who ate the hazelnut from the tree of life to live forever and know all the wisdom of the world.
# The Box - 2008 Mar 6
Written to have many meanings. One is about separation from the group as an outsider. Another is that of being part of the Despair Faction (the fan club) for AFI. Another is about a contentious issue that arose on a forum I belong to whereby I was debating with another member about grouping and labelling and how people shouldn't be in groups. Finally, it is about pandora's box as well.
# Parting the Cracked Glass - 2008 Mar 7
The manner how vampires enter our world in my vampire novella. This poem is for that book.
# Responsibility - 2008 Mar 9
A poem from the man's perspective (I'm a woman btw) on a failed marriage.
# Partner Soul - 2008 Mar 15
The theme I've done before about not having found my soulmate.
# Letting Go of My Heart - 2008 Mar 21
How to cease being a bitch and a soulless ghost.
# zombie - 2008 Mar 28
I was thinking of the zombie dancing mob during a concert when I started this poem and it developed into American society in general.
# cold embrace - 2008 Apr 17
Unlike periphery, this poem is on an unpleasant death.
# my Demon - 2008 Apr 17
Although this is about a possessed person, it can hold true for anyone who has conflicted mental states where we have our own voice telling us to do things or believe things that negatively impact our perceptions of reality (such as "I'm fat" or "I'm stupid" type thinking).
# Bound - 2008 Apr 21
I was in a great deal of physical pain and agony, which happens a lot recently, when I wrote this poem.
# The Riddle - 2008 Apr 30
A poem for Endar, one of the riddles Bran and Elista will be asked to answer.
# Emo - 2008 May 3
A poem about feeling like an outsider and malcontent.
# White Rabbit - 2008 May 3
This poem was inspired by a picture of Davey Havok holding a white rabbit that I found online. I'm a vegetarian and decided I wanted to do a poem about being wild, our desires as humans and the confrontation between the beauty of the wild and our expectations of it. There's an underlying element where what we desire is perfect from afar and not so perfect upon seeing it up close, similar to the stylized images we see in pictures that have been airbrushed and digitally altered to seem perfect for celebrities.
# shuffle, without repeat - 2008 May 6
A poem about my father and the memories I often try to push aside due to the extreme grief that they cause to me.
# Hero - 2008 May 15
A poem on fear and dying in battle, which is about the hero Achilles.
# Little Yellow Ducky - 2008 May 18
I wrote this poem thinking about a yellow rubber duck and it became a poem on the cycle of life and death, including the size of things in the world.
# Final Credits - 2008 May 18
This one is easier to understand when read. I'm not sure I can explain it in prose.
# Decay - 2008 May 18
I wrote this poem about the decay of the body into old age and death.
# when i is lowercase - 2008 May 18
What I consider to be one of 3 great poems I've written ("The Seeds of Wisdom" and "frozen statues" the other 2 poems). This poem is about my dreams, how I have lost hope for them to ever come true, how the dreams of others now are my focus to make those people happy (my mom, the company I work for), and how the I of me isn't so important anymore, making it lowercase just like has happened in online society in chatting. Note that my company is a tech one, so we have a lot of online activity such as Jabber, ICQ, IRC.
# As Any Mother Would - 2008 May 19
Another attempt to write a semi-light filled poem, mainly because I have a poetic book I'm trying to complete and need around 22 poems that are "happier" for it.
# Godless - 2008 May 19
Another poem for my vampire novel, although I did consider changing it slightly to make it a second riddle for Bran and Elista (where it wouldn't be a vampire but another element instead).
# masks of water - 2008 May 20
The first set of haiku I'm actually happy with having written. These 4 are on states of water, all spring and summer images.
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