Who I Am

Numb, wanting wanting to be dumb Blind with senses heightened Yet dampened Rambling Talking to myself In this self-made hell Eating chocolate instead of substance Drinking acid so it burns me Since I really want to be consumed By some sort of passion Some sort of sensation or embrace Embers only replace The mask that descends No friends, nothing but misguided whining Needing a glimmer Shining Darkness Stark and repressed emotions Salt in this ocean Bitterly swimming Writing a poem while I'm drunk Not really sure anymore Why I am not just out Giving blowjobs as a whore Since I'm not better inside Than those I pretend to be better than Those I deride I'd ride a wave of sin Let the blackness in To a soul that I don't own Where everything is always me Never moving Never doing Never free

I gave my heart away To another person who didn't deserve it Who didn't want it Here I am alone again, fading Watching cars pass A lit cigarette in my hand I walk to the liquor store After another meal by myself Another restaurant familiar and known I ordered meat this time After being a vegetarian for a year Because why should I really care There's a bottle in the fridge Put there tonight Even though it's mid-week And I didn't even used to drink There are grey hairs Sprouting out of my skull I'd pluck them all But my hair is already too thin So I'll get drunk soon Like my father did when I was a kid It won't help; it won't lessen anything I won't be able to sleep better I'll still be alone in the morning If I wake up at all

This recipe comes from Better Homes and Gardens' "Cream Puffs" recipe, but rather than filling with sweet fillings, I instead change it to have cheddar. It ends up tasting like a pastry dish, good for any time of the day even breakfast. Ingredients 1 cup water 1/2 cup butter 1/8 teaspoon salt 1 cup all-purpose flour 4 eggs 1 1/2 cups of grated sharp cheddar cheese Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease a baking sheet 9 x 15in. In a medium saucepan, stir together water, butter and salt until they boil. Add flour all at once, stirring vigorously until it forms a ball. Remove from heat, then add 1 1/2 cups cheddar cheese. Cool for 10 minutes. Add eggs, one at a time, beating well with a wooden spoon after each. Drop 12 evenly formed heapings of the dough onto the baking sheet. Bake for 25 minutes, then pull out and sprinkle cheddar cheese on top of each. Cook 5 minutes more until the cheese is melted. Remove from the dish and cool. Can chill and reheat for

The recipe is based on the one at this location , however, I made a few changes like I always do when making any recipe. Ingredients 3/4 cup minced shallots (5-6, peeled, then sliced and minced) 1 stick unsalted butter 1/2 cup all-purpose flour 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon paprika 3 3/4 cups 2% milk 1 cup chicken broth (replace with vegetable broth if you are a vegetarian) 2 large eggs, lightly beaten 1/2 teaspoon sea salt 1/2 teaspoon grated black pepper 1/2 cup dry Marsala 1 to 1.5 cups grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, portion out 1/2 cup separately 1/8 cup grated Asiago 12 no-boil egg lasagne sheets (usually Barilla flat egg no boil pasta is best, it comes with 16 sheets) Directions Preheat oven to 350°F with rack in middle of oven. Place shallots and butter into a heavy medium saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring periodically until the shallots are tender. This takes around 3-5 minutes. Add the flour all at once, then reduce heat to low, stirring with a plastic or woo

Based off of this recipe with some changes. Ingredients 6 tablespoons butter 8 ounces white chocolate 2 eggs 1/4 cup sugar 1/2 tablespoon vanilla 1 cup flour 1/2 cup butterscotch chips Directions Preheat oven to 350°F. Line an 8 inch square baking dish with foil. Melt butter and 4 ounces of white chocolate together in top of double boiler over hot water (alternatively, use a medium saucepan with water under another smaller pan), stirring occasionally until mixed. When melted, remove from heat and add the remaining white chocolate. Stir to blend well. Set aside. Beat the eggs and sugar until pale and thick. Add white chocolate and butter mixture, vanilla and flour. Beat with spoon just until smooth. Add butterscotch chips and mix just until evenly mixed, do not overmix. Pour into prepared pan and bake 25-30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool out of the oven for about 30 minutes, then cut into squares and refrigerate 1-2 hours before serving. Serves 4-6

Ingredients 1 pound 4 ounce bag of refrigerated hash browns 1 stick of semi-melted butter (melt 20-25 seconds in microwave) 16 oz sour cream 2 cups shredded cheddar cheese 1 cup chopped white pearl onions 1 can Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup 1 tsp paprika 1 tsp dried basil 1 tablespoon crushed or minced garlic French's French Fried Onions (1/2 to 2/3 large can) Directions Preheat oven to 350°F. Mix together hash browns and butter. Add sour cream, 1 and 1/2 cups cheddar cheese and pearl onions, mix thoroughly. Next, add cream of mushroom soup, garlic, paprika and basil. Again, mix thoroughly. Add frenchs french fried onions, crushing them up and removing any extremely hard bits until the dish is evenly coated and mixed. Cook 30 minutes. Re-stir the dish, then add another layer of cheddar cheese on top (1/2 cup). Cook for another 20-25 minutes, then remove and serve. Serves 4-6 people.

squeak squeak squeak...wading wafting waiting water drifting ripe and lifting, rippling onto the shore of abandon wanton want plunged and plunged plundered, plugged grit and grunge detritus dirty done

Take me down into the glow Carry me away Into places I haven't known Through memories Through melodies Dance with me upon this silver breeze Touching you as you touch me Our hands are joined Together, we are synched and meshed Molded visions By precision Confluent streams, no division Wake with me upon the morn Open your golden eyes To see only my face at dawn Trace my heart Taste my skin Kiss me once, twice as you breathe me in I am here within the glow Carried away Into places I've never known Warm memories Soft melodies As we dance upon this silver breeze

Your eyes change color with the light One moment gold; one moment blue Shimmering, simmering I feel so very blessed I wish I could profess This love to you A vision years ago Brought you into my soul I searched and searched to find Someone to match this image in my mind Until I had to let you go Why did fate wait so long? Serenade me with sorrowful songs Let me lose my faith along the way Never believing I'd see your face God, I wish you'd feel the same How I wish you were mine I ache when I gaze into your eyes Yearning, joyous, alive I want to be with you, But blinded by your grace, I turn away

soot dirty foot pounding down down down down onto concrete pavement sidewalk marked colorful chalked hard ground the other foot held high jumping up up up up to the sky azure-filled sun shine with closed eyes tight shut hopscotch

While it might seem strange to say this is a love poem, it is indeed a love poem. You are a dark beauty Gloaming A floating reflection An image cast of perfection At last here Rippling, surfacing For this mere mortal earthling To worship As stars blaze to ignite As pinpoints of white Cease to be bright As your blackness fills Kills Thrills The night

I'm working on this horror story. I intend to possibly add more details to describe the surroundings in this first part, but I just wanted reactions on how it is going so far and any suggestions people might have. A slick, sticky oiliness pervades my skin as I perspire profusely, making me all the more uncomfortable in this deep, dead tropical heat. I'm not acclimated to such high humidity in my native St. Louis, Missouri. I recline in the village circle, while one of the inhabitants, an elderly man barely dressed with cracks and wrinkles traversing his body, is relaying some folktale or other superstitious nonsense about one of the creatures around here. Madagascar houses some of the most unique prosimians on the planet, which was the impetus for me to take a vacation to this godforsaken hell on earth in the first place. "Aye-aye is death omen. He visit in night and he point his long middle finger to you." Barely stifling a laugh, I inquire back, "He gives you t

Words cannot describe how I feel Weak, hackneyed, incomplete None of them real The beauty and the pain The love rising up When I cry out your name Your kiss, the curve of your lips The flush of warmth divine Only for me, only mine I had waited and waited, and waited some more For a perfect love, someone to adore Until I could wait no more So, I trashed and burned my desires Quit being a child consumed by fires A child with stories, hiding, a liar When the ashes cooled and the true me remained I could be myself, no longer empty No longer chained Only then could I really see you Without expectation or rejection I accept that you love me, too

From the depths From deep, dark down Dirty and earthen bound I cry In this hole Seeping, yawing Arms clutching and mauling Inside On the edge Slipping, falling Creatures crawl, claw, calling Then hide Dread omen A little crow Cawing out to and fro He flies You look up Far off, up high Above casting soft light Stars shine Open hands Unable to touch Unwelcome and unloved We die

I feel content when I'm not content Hurting too much Mentally crushed Pushed, shoved, bent Roughed a bit up Not the physical pain This body means nothing A vessel to spill For blood to fill Bones and skin Nothing to me But what holds me within My mind and spirit, my soul Flies on wings Listening to the flutter Sounds pulsating out Blinking, tingling Delighting in agony divine Other people's pain heightening mine Words witty and sharp Laughing like a lark Frighteningly cold, intentionally bold Simply to see the confusion The daggers arise from such beautiful eyes Flashing, finally alive They glare with hatred into mine So I push this dark out of my skin Sinister intentions Malicious purpose Angelic demons breaking the surface Then squirming back in

I spot you from afar Yet you haven't a clue How amazing you are In this loud, crowded room Your grace shines, shimmers out Setting the place aglow High angels swoop and swoon To touch you as they fall Clamoring to be close Each vie for attention Screech, scream--you don't see them Your eyes are linked with mine Perfection does not exist But for the breath released By your lips You whisper deep into me Warmth trickles down and through My open throat Full and whole, gulping, wanton Awash with your pure love I drown

desolate, dull and dreary in this courtyard dim noises eerie of scraping and clicking scurry on the periphery, creatures slinking into the shade, sensing the need to escape to hide far away forbidden mysteries, secret sins exchanged by the dime but his appetites aren't quite the norm nor his chilled, aphotic grin normally chatty, she stays silent movement black and blurred sudden and grim she's pushed up to the cold wall (so she don't fall) pressed hard into the rough bricks again and again and again left alone now to be found solitary and motionless, soon a large crowd gathers round to gape at internal organs fleshed and splayed out the price paid to earn her lodging for the night

Push it open a crack Gawk Hold up a tiny hand Dust and light gathers through Sweeping out from the room Heave hard against the sturdy frame A wooden door Neglected Hinges squeak A rusty scream Scared, fall onto the floorboards Listening for sounds within Sounds without Sounds up and down Any notice or shout Nothing Silence Grin, push the door a bit again

Calm, quiet, displaced Gentle embers fade Away into the stillness Uncertain and unwilling Within slow, slowing, chilling as light is abating unfolding space Closing, singed and dazed Each flame gone, replaced By comfort; by harsh neglect No life left just circumspect Discarded, dead reflections majestic, separate imperfections An incantation As we disappear Bring back the life to us here Lift up our souls so we see Another dawn, please set us free twilight shadows echo captivity All is lost, lost and forlorn Knowing this, we still move on A band of nomads Misfits, miscreants Wandering amidst the mist locked into this time, stopped we must exist

I am the malcontent Here I am Tired, spent Worthless, null Void and dull Languishing, infertile soul A cipher filled Dark matter Meaningless and chilled Killing, killed By your laughter But not your apathy When you refuse to see me I will take your soul Spit it out whole Tear away your face When you run From the blackness From the pain From your own shame Pitched, reeling No ground No ceiling Not even the sky Nowhere to hide Just empty space I am coming for you I wait in the shadows Lurking on the ledge I live in these surfaces Of blades that cut Waiting to slit you up Into your dreams I will enter unseen Take out all the light Until you cannot believe In anything Not even me Who could I be?

Into the abyss A cavern endlessness Filled with emptiness Lingering, then going down Sad...sad...das..asd Words jumbled, meaning tumbled I am lost, fumbled, crumpled I can't be found Chilled, deep water Fall, fall, falling Calling your name As I forget my own Floating Luminous, glowing Flowing No longer knowing with skin puffed out Drowned I know what this poem sounds like, but then I also know it can be interpreted more than one way for what I intended to mean. It isn't just intended to have the physical meaning of the words. I am trying to strip away at words to get to the heart of meaning and paint a picture in this one as well as a few others recently. Hopefully, it came out okay.

"Hello, is Dani there?" You call me up out of the blue It's been over four years Since I heard from you Just want to see how I'm doin' You broke my trust repeatedly Deceived me; stole from me Despite all the pain, I let you in To a place I usually hide I have thought of you Less and less, though Letting you go, not wanting to know If you were still alive Yeah, I can't help you almost died The other night had to be hospitalized Due to low T-cell counts And drinking your guts out Oh, you're taking your meds again Wonder how long that'll last? Hope you pop some anti-psychotics With those antibiotics Great to hear you feel fine now Even if you live day by day Worried another person Will break into your place (Wow, too bad to hear some mugger took all your cash from your last paycheck that would have paid your rent so you could not get kicked out) I would love to love you still But I know you too well You don't deserve to be my friend You would rather p

I want to believe in anything beyond me inviolate and strong always right never wrong I want to trust flowing with light, with love find beauty in everything the promise of sunny spring I want to hope to dream of neverland where I can be a child again free, running through the sand playing by the sea I want to wish to feel your soft kiss to sit outside in the sun never turning red golden, beautiful, young I want to live I can live here with you grow old my friend, my soul singing the days into the night until we both turn in then turn out the light

Why can't I love myself? I know I care--words I say upset me I live in rooms, venting, crying My mind flooded with ways of dying Hover in aching sadness to touch the cutting edge Slice my flesh by this anger in my head Why can't I trust myself? I could do something beyond sitting here I'd likely fail, but I could still move Anything would be better than this nothing, A nothingness which was forged by something: A past I should bloody forget Why do I have constant fear? I act as if the world will soon end (maybe it will) Anxiety fills me--sorrowful, perpetually morose Putting you all into my soul Unable to separate humanity from me Plagued by this paradox of insanity ...I just can't shake free Why do I need you? I say I don't but really I do I don't want to need me either So I purposely reject you I push you into my bitter words Then run away to play with my own pain Why am I alone again? By myself, here by myself and alone Feeling these feelings I always know Al

Influences, Inspiration and Interpreations of my Poems I am writing this section to outline details on my poems for anyone who likes poetic backgrounds. People are always welcome to have their own interpretations since most poems have multiple nuances. 1987-89 (in high school) # A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written This poem was written to detail the 10-letter-word referenced at the beginning, which is the word loneliness. # Glances - circa 1989 # Forever - circa 1989 These 2 poems were written about a high school crush I had on a student a grade older than me (Matt Adams). 1991 (in college) # Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991 I fell deeply in love with the man who I thought would be my soulmate, a college professor in my sophmore year of French. He didn't return the feelings. I had a nervous breakdown, which prompted the next poem # The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe The l

silhouette in wire bobbing on the surface top a fish takes the bait fun, fresh water splays on concrete sidewalk chalk lines garden hose playground acrid odor dog running in the street unleashed as the rain pours down sanitized, green pool summer is finally here a child pees in you

My life My life My life Was shaped of bits of stone Formed from pieces of bone Desolate and cold I found the wounded sun When man had just begun My life My life My life Bitter, thankless one When will the day be gone? These birds, they sing no more Blackened to the core My life My life My life Come, you idols of blood My life My life My life Such fools through an' through Fit just to amuse My life Your death My life I have been reborn By twilight, dusk and dawn Whilst you have only died I am Alive Alive Alive Pray drown within my eyes

I tried not to damage you To take away your glow The purity rising up From your beautiful soul I tried to shelter you To take away your pain The rain pouring down Into each and everything I tried to keep you To hold you close to me Just for my own needs Just to do what I please I tried to love you As long as I could As much as I should As any mother would I tried not to forget you Even when you left me You were so beautiful But I had to set you free

I used to believe in me, to cherish my dreams Even in the throes of pain and grief Despite the anger of non-forgiving Of endless days and nights not living Future time arrives, yet no wishes reside here Always pushing them in front, while holding them near out of fear As if keeping them close means they won't go Like a star-filled sky lighted by the moon's soft glow Each star has slowly fallen, tragically misplaced The sky has grown darker with no stars replaced Changes have come and my life has moved along But I'm not where I want to be at all so now I has become i and you has become u night is nite and right it rite and true is tru other voices, other dreams overcome my own i travel and live in hotels, never seeing my home even my phone has a lowercase i apostrophe taken from words (im not sure y?) i can barely understand the sayings in this land ftw used to mean "fuck the world", somehow it became "for the win" so what do i use when i want to express

In the heart of my heart reside fantasies deep and dark In the core of my soul, I'm never wholly whole Truth and lies alike, set beside one another Demons and lovers singing together Twisting and turning Baking and burning In the eyes on my face forlorn, mirroring good and bad What you want to see, you see, reflected, empty A silvery dream of grey light piercing the dawn Grey light molting until all has gone In this chill cesspool Leaving only you In the hairs on my head bowed, my cracked and corrupted brow Wrinkled and rippled, alabastered and crippled Curving in rings like a game of musical chairs One by one falling off; some linger here, Refusing to move When the tune resumes In the lines on my dry hands, all the future schemes and plans Pretty predictions paired to ripe ruination Such shining suppositions have been undermined By maledictions unfair, unkind That foment madness Veiled betwixt sadness In the pain from my feet, each step gingerly, incomplete I stu

mixed and tumbled jumbled semi-coherent unapparent yet inherent lacking spirit fake smiles phony happiness bitter cutting self destructing not here never found inside out gagged and bound gone forever tasteless but tasting wasting, wasting, wasting sick and sad pitiful, with no pity to be found sinful without sinning prideful hiding all by telling nothing that's important picture frames empty, absent gathering dust boxes filled with stuff unused, rusted why continue? dull, droning, dull drawing on and on just waiting for the final song while the credits roll

Little yellow duck strutting along Quacking your song as you trot Not a thought in your mind Beside finding a bug A tasty slug To eat Silly duck, you are without worry No sorrow, no cares of tomorrow Just a bit hungry, but that's it What if you get sick? You are far from home, alone It's cold Cute, tiny ducky, so very lucky To have made it this far on the road You don't even know the danger Should a stranger notice you Someone who isn't too keen With you being happy Little yellow duck plodding along Still singing a ditty as you spot A grub in a sidewalk crack A tasty snack to munch on Snap, you grab it up To fill your belly Smelly, slimy grub slithering by You were just out for the day When a big yellow thing appeared Snatched you into the air Now, you've disappeared Like you were never Even here

Here here here I lie on the ground Rooted down, scared to move Not sure what to do I'm frightened, trembling I lie on the ground Not making a sound Pray it will go away Fear fear fear Heart beating, pumping So incredibly loud Panic and pain, shame I'm too young to die On this foreign land Barely old enough To even be a man Where where where Did my dreams vanish To vanquish, overcome Carry my country Bring freedom, light, right Fighting every day Until I'm old and grey Spear spear spear In my heel piercing Now I will never see My future children My wife beside me Only the cold ground A burial shroud Covered, hidden, unclean Cheer cheer cheer This valiant tale You speak of my battle Make me immortal Pass my story through Each generation Even though I failed Every war needs a hero

The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away without thinking As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks without blinking without bringing up every memory of a happier day Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay without you every day without you every hour without you The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood I love you, I cannot say it enough now without sobbing my heart throbbing the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave Feasting on this grief I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair Afraid to lose you again by loving so

I spied a white rabbit, pure as the snow Running through the field Running through the grass Stopping a moment to lift his head into the air Sniffing the breeze I spied a white rabbit and loved him at once His fur looked so soft and fluffy He was beautiful, lovely I wanted to pick him up To take him home to hug I spied a white rabbit and snuck up on him Quietly tiptoeing without a sound Slowly going one step at a time So I could grab him and make him mine Before he scooted off, terrified I spied a white rabbit, but he didn't see me He didn't know I even existed He didn't suspect I was waiting nearby To scoop him into my arms Leaving his world far behind I spied a white rabbit and oh how I tried To make him my pet To take the wild creature and tame it When I touched his fur, though, he bit His sharp teeth aren't nearly so cute I guess (now he's dead), I'll be having rabbit soup

No-one exists for me No-one will ever be Neither here nor there Nor anywhere For eternity No friend holds out a hand No woman, no man No-one cares I'm sad My family can't be found They're never around This anger is eating me alive, Tearing me up inside It builds, it fills my brain I can't pass a single day Without feeling hurt, Betrayed My sanity has decayed Until my very flesh is flayed I'm cutting into the vein To release the pain; So I can let go of hate, To finally think Verily, I must admit: I wish I had died That last time I tried I wish I felt more Than unhappy and sore I wish I weren't so bored Tired of endless strife Of my entire life Really, what should I expect? Life to be fair? The world to be perfect? Am I even real? Oftentimes, I can't feel a thing You haven't ever felt the same Yet you try to push the blame, Ridicule and bully Push me down At this point, I've had enough Enough of you, enough of me Enough of being, yet never being free

I am the day and the night The dark and the light The virgin queen Perverse and obscene Real but a dream I am the pale moon shining down Into your soul as you drown With secrets you can never know Whispered, inaudible Quick, merciful and cold I am the shade under the tree As you rest your head to sleep Moving with the breeze to hide Cowardly leaving you behind To be burnt and fried I am empty yet I have all Beautiful, divine, terrible A vision incomplete I cannot be seen Unless you truly believe I am gold and dust Pure, worthless, unloved Without your love I won't ask for anything Other than everything Until you have nothing I hold your birth and life I pick when you will die I stand outside of time Who am I?

Someday, someday In muted yellow and grey I will lay down to die Bound by the earth Bound by the sky One day, one day My body will be free from pain I shall leave it behind Out from the ground Out I will fly Today, today The time passes as I wait Torn, sodden, and half-blind I long to go Yet, I want to be alive

I embrace these sweet patterns arise from cold cold embers to inhale swift pains in Hell his designs burnt into my eyes silent orbs inducing reducing seducing depth blush flushed and forced piercing through the flesh words barely read instead in eulogy a voice low and hoarse prior to my burial march hearing the cries echo searing into dull aches when all is empty and without taste "Such a waste" repeated until it has no meaning only shame draped in black within a hearse the line steady irreversible without rehearsal my parents trailing plodding ahead old age outliving youth in my coffin somehow lips and cheeks still vigorous red amidst the blue blue skin lids forced open jasmine and incense impart traces of stranger scents from a mortician's embalming fluids set beside the pallor of death the last scoop of earth shoved onto this berth the final resting place but not my end here I live but not in peace here I lie yet I did not die here I smile with a smile that doesn't

a demon lives in me silently bleeding unfeeling, unseen broodingly dark never free never leaving there is a demon who fills my heart takes all my energy tears me apart until I'm stark yet unclean this demon picks my bones gnawing me down, empty never alone from the cries yet alone all the time frighted and blighted terrified Damn you, Demon, be gone! What did I do so wrong? To have you by my side To listen to you In my mind Whispering words unkind Demon, you are blind You need my body to thrive You need me but I Do not need you Once I'm dead, What will you do? Let me turn out the light Snuff the candle wick Flick off the switch On all that's sick No, it's not another trick So go back to Hell, You Bitch

shooting, shrieking stars of suffering anguish amidst our angst we angry apparitions who dance moving in misery mercurial motions of the zombie mob present yet history rotting and robbed cohesive absent cognizant thought crazed easily by carnal delights fleshy flights of fancy enthralled, entranced, endless such frenzied fantasies glut our corrupt minds while trace memories attract us with the artifacts of life plummeting into a bottomless pit bound by ethereal, eternal night smiling still as we slide and swirl hungering for our humanity incomplete, needing, greeding feeding never full

i Bright, filling up the night No clouds obstructing the light No colors taking away By the blueness of the day Slowly charting across the sky The moon rises to an apex In glimmering, majestic height Offering the only way These shadows that surround Which once I feared to walk through, Or to leave their midst Rather to drown, comforted in death Even a bit of light fills my emptiness Wiping away the dark Just as a fire started by a single spark Drives off the cold ii So, I must leave my soul to seek you Push my thoughts aside As I embrace the divine I become complete When I abandon all belief When I allow compassion to be my guide The golden rule will shine And my enemy is my own reflection Yet, I am not wise enough to leave My vision is not strong enough I cannot see to follow But if we join together When we walk together, we both become better So if I fall or you stumble Our hands would hold fast In good times, in bad Not clutching the past Until the last iii For my entire life, I was

I wonder why I should bother to care I look inside me and nothing is there I want to die but hope remains I want to live without these invisible chains that restrain I used to believe I would find my love A man to accept me, the only one So perfect, true, idealized Finally, I grew up and then I realized the lie I am meant to be alone for all time Fantasizing a touch which is not mine Stroking his hair, while parted lips Breathlessly slip into his soft, gentle kiss with bliss Oh, heavenly glow when two parts become whole When hearts combine to find a partner soul When colors burst into a rainbow of heat Two heart rhythms sharing a single beat A vision seductive, maddeningly so Pushing and pulling my thoughts to and fro Adrift in a sea of painful needs and wants Where the man of my dreams beckons and taunts So, why won't I accept just anyone? Why am I picky, expecting too much? I simply want to find this man My love, my one true companion my equal

I've destroyed your joy, your happiness Cut you into pieces with bits of glass I never realized the power I had To tear you up and make you feel sad Every tear that falls as you cry, as you bawl It's all my fault I've destroyed your entire life, your pride When I made you my embittered wife Took away every shred of decency Snatched away your morals and beliefs Left you tossed about in a sea of doubts Threw you out to sink I've brought you to the brink gasping for air Without anyone who even cared Without a friend to hold your hand No-one to bring you safely back to land Then when you did come back to earth I let you die of thirst In a thankless desert I wonder why I've been so mean Why haven't I seen what you've seen? I can't visualize this monster you describe The reflection of me in your beautiful eyes The man who you blame for each and every thing Even the cheapness of your blessed wedding ring I wish I had known I was such scum Now, I do, so really--

Mirror mirror on this wall I can't seem to find my face Am I lucid? Awake? Why do I disintegrate When I touch the silver surface Slither through, slip into The other side So cold within I know I've died, yet here Is where I remain Why don't I disappear? Not even my despair Can repair my disgrace Nothing can start this lifeless heart Nor replace the lives I must take The innocent blood I taste Each day I trace My finger along the cracked glass Thinking back to when A simple cut, a slash On my skin would make me cringe The very sight of blood I would turn away Now, the very nourishment I crave Without it I go insane Everything was about me Never considered another No true friend nor lover Any tears I cried were for me Fixated on my pain To be or not to be Without meaning for me If I must endure Without living, without seeing Never believing, always deceiving Narcissism, sin, self-loathing my skin A wolf wearing a wolf's clothing Never pretending to care While pretending I

Saturate, separate Ideas and thoughts pieces to the clandestine key Words that alienate Not designed to instigate Not written to please Is it a crime to be blunt outside? Ripping, tearing at the cracks Existing without color inside Immersed in blacks Stuff us in this little box Because we won't sing along We'll never belong We look out from a place you can't see No-one here for company But the shadows and sadness with us Waiting to be freed Are we the light when all is gone The faith that right can become wrong An onyx flame engulfing all As a song trumpets a battle call Leading to the fall Are we the ones you want to fear What makes us something to hate Open up the box To quickly peer inside Releasing those within who hide: Death, hope and disease This uses the lyrics' syllable pattern for "The Leaving Song" although I've made line breaks differently than many might for the song stanzas. I did take creative license and repeated the syllables for the secon

Born at the beginning of time After the tree of life formed Below water dripped and poured Forming a well where hazel acorns fell A salmon ate those seeds until he knew Everything that's good and true All the evil and vile strife Forged from the infinity of life Thus, he awaits in soft sunlight By the blackened pool of night In balmy days with sky blue When storms strike, it is here he stays for you Wading within the well in water still Almost like he's pining for A lover he once adored Longing to see your face before he died He knows your name and what you seek He knows the path is long and bleak He knows the stars guide you at night He knows you are good, just and right He knows that some will block your way He knows some will force you to slay He knows you are the one to free The world from pain, death, and disease So now you have come, simple one He would shout out in high joy But for the saddest of news You must dine on freshly caught fish tonight By the flicker and flam

To understand this poem, you'd likely want to read Section 3 for my vampire novel. This is going to be the beginning of Section 4 for it. sun streaming through this open window with the light hurting such tender eyes weak from pains I can't even describe I heave myself out of bed and go to pull the shade squinting, I jerk the window blind down when my bared right arm swims into view stains cover it in assorted hue some are dark, almost black; others brown dried; some spots fade frozen in my tracks, let me think back where was I last night? I can't recall damn this dull ache throbbing in my skull blotting out all faculty to grasp a simple thought pivot to return to my soft bed where I can close these lids, rest some more likely another stupid dream...sure makes a great deal more sense to my head than all of this the weird scene before my eyes surprise can't begin to detail what they meet what they see, shock won't even compete the floor, walls, sheets...nothing coul

I've been putting off writing this chapter for a long time because I knew what was coming. Some recent poems I've written in the past month or so were even to map the scene out for me in some ways. Sorry if this disturbs anyone. I'm giving a warning on content yet again. Note we will only get in flashbacks later on what the story character and the priest discussed in Chapter 2. That scene itself is omitted. Prior Chapters: Part 1 - The First Sign Part 2 - Swirling into Darkness 3 - The Wind and I Leaves shuffle along the sidewalk, pushing in front of me as I hurry along out of church. The bitter wind is ripping at my exposed face and hands. I push my hands into my jacket and try to scrunch my chin further into the top of the zipper, mulling over my conversation with the priest. I feel nauseous with myself after going there, the whole series of events eating at me. Actually, I've barely been eating for that matter. Possibly my entire recent decline in mental health is si

I've given up on you for all time Your little group--you and your friends I don't belong; I don't fit in I've given up on being the one Who another person could love I'm never right; I live in night I've given every thought and each dream Wasted on hopes I will not see I can't survive; I can't believe I've given every feeling for bliss Loving you, needing your kiss I'll not get it; I long to scream I've given, given with only pain Vainly returned just to be hurt I want to hate; I want to curse I've given myself to this despair Go, I really no longer care I feel nothing; I've gone insane You've taken and taken, then you leave Forsaken, you hope I'll disappear I was miserable with you here I'm still alive somehow, not dead yet I won't cry now, you don't deserve it I won't ever let you see me grieve I will never let you see me bleed

Can I buy your soul since I don't have my own? I don't want your flesh or your touch Not even your love You won't miss it much until you've grown old Oh, you won't even care once it's gone I can bring you luck, success With such divine happiness Glorious lights shining down Bask as golden chimes ring out I can bring darkness on those you hate Make their fates worse than death Punish them all as they cry to be saved Take away their hopes; leave them blessed With the blight of my chilled caress I can leave you until the end So you don't remember, my friend Ignorance would truly be bliss Until that final, fateful kiss Oh yes, I'm sure that I would not be missed Make up your mind soon This offer will close I don't make it to the old Only those young enough Who can give me what I want Your soul is still so bright A little bit of light Left for me to savor Innocently flavor Don't wait too long Your future could be grand Untarnished Here before the wave

Pale, the sun rises into the foggy morn, a dull lemony color barely peeking out over the horizon. The old woman, familiar with many a chilly springtime dawning, puts on her light grey jacket and a fuzzy pair of black knitted mittens, then steps out into the dampened air. Her breath exhales in puffs, although the temperature today feels warmer than it has for months. This is her ritual: Every day for the past 30 years, the woman has walked from her home to downtown and back for her exercise regime. While she travels more slowly now than in younger days due to some mild arthritis, the three mile jaunt helps awaken her and keeps her in decent shape. The cracks on the sidewalk are old friends as she starts trudging along her regular path. The trees to the right no longer wear blankets of snow or frost, showing signs of some early growth with small buds at the tips of their branches. She smiles at the thought of the tulips popping up soon. She loves the small town's mid-May festival for

I'm not exactly happy with this poem. I didn't feel inspired to finish it when I started it a few days ago and wasn't sure where to go with it. Since I'm tired trying to figure out where to go, I just forced it to be finished tonight. It's based on the lyric syllable pattern for "Silver and Cold" by AFI and not nearly as beautiful as that song happens to be. Sublime droplets of rain Drizzle dewy freshness sink Into the opened skin, then drain Within the hollow of my being My eyes wide, unseeing Hushed before daylight's bitter decay These sins are too great No, never forgiven These sins are too great To comprehend this living, Continue onward anymore: Heartless, shadow, empty core Heavy water pours Through--fill up the soul From their love, angels sob A vessel, clay and shallow Created to hold nourishment Cracks beyond the surface; leaking out Discolored, silvery substances Warp and weaken the body Sliding it slowly into damp ground These sins are too h

I run with the kite in the field All the stars shining brightly The clear, moon-filled sky's expanse stretches wide String trailing behind me The kite lifts as I tug and pull A sharp jerk, I don't let it go Now, it's soaring high I let out more cord as it sails Above the ground, a sky ship Colorful in day, by night delicate Muted greys swerve and dip Yellow tails flutter from the bow As I slowly release more rope How far can it fly? Morning star on the horizon Near where the sun will be rising Dawn will soon arrive I remove small silver scissors Which glint in the twilight Setting the spool of coil onto the ground I look at the kite Kneeling down on my knees I snip the rope and release "Lord, send my prayers to him please" The kite, now free, rushes away My letter tied up with it sways With all of my hopes Every single word I could say I lay my head down on cool grass To find peace at last

This entry is about the book I am planning to self-publish within the next year. The title will be Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind , because I love the paradoxical nature of lucidity stemming from insanity. The book is going to be 5 sections with 15 poems each, 5 interlude poems and 1 final poem, totaling 81 poems (9 is my favorite number, 8 + 1 = 9, so cool beans). I now have 67 poems for it, so I have 14 poems remaining to write to complete it. Woohoo! Here is my proposed outline for this book as it stands now: **Dulcet Tones** [Part One] Clear and Sweet The sun is brightly shining overhead as we bask in its warmth. # Bask in Your Light # Dreaming # Hear My Heart # Meant To Be Interlude I Late afternoon filters the air with a lazy tone, and we slip into a short, lighthearted break. # I Wish I Could Pangs Slowly sinking on the horizon, the sun washes everything in soft pastels. # My True Heart # Glances # Forever # Strangers in the Day # If I Love You # Letting Go of My Heart # Bathed

You were my baby Tiny tabby cat You were so dainty Sitting on my lap You followed me around Grey inquisitive eyes Slept gently beside me In my bed every night I held you tight I couldn't let you go You never got any bigger Why didn't you grow The vet said your heart It wasn't strong enough I heard it beating While my own heart was bleeding You died in that cold office Only three months old You were my baby The sweetest cat I have known

Hear me out This story starts long, long ago When men roamed the earth on foot Crossed seas with boats made of wood Prayed to their gods for strong crops A woman, lively and fair, Combing her hair absently, Into the courtyard lightly Stepped without a thought or care Wanton eyes her beauty spied Dreadful blight inside this mind No other maid could he find Nor a more lush, ethereal bride Hear my tale Obsession spurs his action He delights her with magic Showing her card tricks, tragic Plying her simple senses Naive, sweet--a finer man She had yet to ever meet She bows, takes his hand to greet Unrolls the glove on her hand Kissing her pale skin, he smiles Leads her dreamy, dazed, astray Away from prying eyes, betrays His guile succeeds; Her throat bleeds Hear her die This is going to be part of the poems for my "Damned for Eternity" vampire novella, which I should put onto the site tomorrow for the first 2 chapters finally finally. I didn't want to post the comment before t

Okay, so I just wrote this to prove (to me) that I can force myself to write a happy poem. This is happy, no doubt about it. It didn't even take that long to write (about 10 minutes). Golden hair, golden eyes The happiest day of my life The day you were born to me The brightest flame I've ever seen Your skin so soft; your breath so sweet You place kisses onto my cheeks Cuddle and sleep, hugging me tight Dream with a smile through the night Dark is not dark when you are here Light is the brightest: I have no fear I can't wait for every day Watching you as you play We dance and sing, run free Picking dandelions with glee Blowing the seeds out into the air While pink ribbons float from your hair I realize someday you will grow Yes, I'll have to let you go Until then, I bask in your light Where all is good and right

Having some more fun using a song's lyrics syllable pattern here other than the very last line where I had to go 5 syllables rather than 6. I'm so mean as I have no intention to say what song either. If you guess it, I'll write a poem just for you, though, how about that? Not sure that's such a great prize haha The children are jumping rope here Each skip on the sidewalk a heartbeat A small girl drawing lines in chalk Others play hide and seek Soon our recess will be over The bell will ring, we'll go back in For another lesson to learn We'll dream at the window For summer's return Time suspends in this instant The loss of the innocent A child falls down and gasps The rest crowd around to stare Teachers unaware "Are you okay, what's the matter?" Pale, the boy's hand grasps mine I peer into his sad blue eyes Confused, I don't understand in time Silently I simply stand, see Watch it all; part of me Never to forget Time must move onward, fo

I have a vampire story that I'm supposed to be working on today, but it's obvious I must not want to do that since I keep writing poems instead. Here's a new one that's damn depressing. I'm not depressed, though, so go me. Wandering, fading away Leaves flutter and fly The tree is broken, decayed While this chill wind dies I place myself on the ground Resting these grave limbs My thoughts in tumult, unsound With images of him He will not know, my chance lost, My chance to say gone My breath shivers, puffs of frost Release a sad song Wounded in my pride Why do I always hide Cover feelings with a smile Pretending I'm fine for awhile When will the mask slip The walls crumble and rip The emotions out, released The despised lies finally cease I am so tired on this earth So frozen, so sad Unsure what this life is worth What joy can be had I would leave here, get away Yet nothing would change Inside of me all is gray Bitter, jaded, aged Just a dead tree without leaves I

This list is for me to track my poetry historically easier. I wrote many poems that I've lost from high school or that I have but they are dreadful, so they do not make the list. I'm not going to go back and date each of my poems on here individually, since my mind likes it better to see a list like this than any other way. My goal to see these is for when I self-publish on Lulu later this year for a book I'm going to entitle Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind . 1987-89 (in high school) # A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written # Glances - circa 1989 # Forever - circa 1989 1991 (in college) # Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991 # The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe 2001 (worked in insurance company at the time) # The Shadow's Deep - originally circa 1991, revised 2001 2002 (same job as prior year) # The Whirlwind - 2002 Oct 22 2003 (working at webhosting company i