Who I Am

Why can't I love myself? I know I care--words I say upset me I live in rooms, venting, crying My mind flooded with ways of dying Hover in aching sadness to touch the cutting edge Slice my flesh by this anger in my head Why can't I trust myself? I could do something beyond sitting here I'd likely fail, but I could still move Anything would be better than this nothing, A nothingness which was forged by something: A past I should bloody forget Why do I have constant fear? I act as if the world will soon end (maybe it will) Anxiety fills me--sorrowful, perpetually morose Putting you all into my soul Unable to separate humanity from me Plagued by this paradox of insanity ...I just can't shake free Why do I need you? I say I don't but really I do I don't want to need me either So I purposely reject you I push you into my bitter words Then run away to play with my own pain Why am I alone again? By myself, here by myself and alone Feeling these feelings I always know Al

Influences, Inspiration and Interpreations of my Poems I am writing this section to outline details on my poems for anyone who likes poetic backgrounds. People are always welcome to have their own interpretations since most poems have multiple nuances. 1987-89 (in high school) # A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written This poem was written to detail the 10-letter-word referenced at the beginning, which is the word loneliness. # Glances - circa 1989 # Forever - circa 1989 These 2 poems were written about a high school crush I had on a student a grade older than me (Matt Adams). 1991 (in college) # Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991 I fell deeply in love with the man who I thought would be my soulmate, a college professor in my sophmore year of French. He didn't return the feelings. I had a nervous breakdown, which prompted the next poem # The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe The l

silhouette in wire bobbing on the surface top a fish takes the bait fun, fresh water splays on concrete sidewalk chalk lines garden hose playground acrid odor dog running in the street unleashed as the rain pours down sanitized, green pool summer is finally here a child pees in you

My life My life My life Was shaped of bits of stone Formed from pieces of bone Desolate and cold I found the wounded sun When man had just begun My life My life My life Bitter, thankless one When will the day be gone? These birds, they sing no more Blackened to the core My life My life My life Come, you idols of blood My life My life My life Such fools through an' through Fit just to amuse My life Your death My life I have been reborn By twilight, dusk and dawn Whilst you have only died I am Alive Alive Alive Pray drown within my eyes

I tried not to damage you To take away your glow The purity rising up From your beautiful soul I tried to shelter you To take away your pain The rain pouring down Into each and everything I tried to keep you To hold you close to me Just for my own needs Just to do what I please I tried to love you As long as I could As much as I should As any mother would I tried not to forget you Even when you left me You were so beautiful But I had to set you free

I used to believe in me, to cherish my dreams Even in the throes of pain and grief Despite the anger of non-forgiving Of endless days and nights not living Future time arrives, yet no wishes reside here Always pushing them in front, while holding them near out of fear As if keeping them close means they won't go Like a star-filled sky lighted by the moon's soft glow Each star has slowly fallen, tragically misplaced The sky has grown darker with no stars replaced Changes have come and my life has moved along But I'm not where I want to be at all so now I has become i and you has become u night is nite and right it rite and true is tru other voices, other dreams overcome my own i travel and live in hotels, never seeing my home even my phone has a lowercase i apostrophe taken from words (im not sure y?) i can barely understand the sayings in this land ftw used to mean "fuck the world", somehow it became "for the win" so what do i use when i want to express

In the heart of my heart reside fantasies deep and dark In the core of my soul, I'm never wholly whole Truth and lies alike, set beside one another Demons and lovers singing together Twisting and turning Baking and burning In the eyes on my face forlorn, mirroring good and bad What you want to see, you see, reflected, empty A silvery dream of grey light piercing the dawn Grey light molting until all has gone In this chill cesspool Leaving only you In the hairs on my head bowed, my cracked and corrupted brow Wrinkled and rippled, alabastered and crippled Curving in rings like a game of musical chairs One by one falling off; some linger here, Refusing to move When the tune resumes In the lines on my dry hands, all the future schemes and plans Pretty predictions paired to ripe ruination Such shining suppositions have been undermined By maledictions unfair, unkind That foment madness Veiled betwixt sadness In the pain from my feet, each step gingerly, incomplete I stu

mixed and tumbled jumbled semi-coherent unapparent yet inherent lacking spirit fake smiles phony happiness bitter cutting self destructing not here never found inside out gagged and bound gone forever tasteless but tasting wasting, wasting, wasting sick and sad pitiful, with no pity to be found sinful without sinning prideful hiding all by telling nothing that's important picture frames empty, absent gathering dust boxes filled with stuff unused, rusted why continue? dull, droning, dull drawing on and on just waiting for the final song while the credits roll

Little yellow duck strutting along Quacking your song as you trot Not a thought in your mind Beside finding a bug A tasty slug To eat Silly duck, you are without worry No sorrow, no cares of tomorrow Just a bit hungry, but that's it What if you get sick? You are far from home, alone It's cold Cute, tiny ducky, so very lucky To have made it this far on the road You don't even know the danger Should a stranger notice you Someone who isn't too keen With you being happy Little yellow duck plodding along Still singing a ditty as you spot A grub in a sidewalk crack A tasty snack to munch on Snap, you grab it up To fill your belly Smelly, slimy grub slithering by You were just out for the day When a big yellow thing appeared Snatched you into the air Now, you've disappeared Like you were never Even here

Here here here I lie on the ground Rooted down, scared to move Not sure what to do I'm frightened, trembling I lie on the ground Not making a sound Pray it will go away Fear fear fear Heart beating, pumping So incredibly loud Panic and pain, shame I'm too young to die On this foreign land Barely old enough To even be a man Where where where Did my dreams vanish To vanquish, overcome Carry my country Bring freedom, light, right Fighting every day Until I'm old and grey Spear spear spear In my heel piercing Now I will never see My future children My wife beside me Only the cold ground A burial shroud Covered, hidden, unclean Cheer cheer cheer This valiant tale You speak of my battle Make me immortal Pass my story through Each generation Even though I failed Every war needs a hero

The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away without thinking As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks without blinking without bringing up every memory of a happier day Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay without you every day without you every hour without you The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood I love you, I cannot say it enough now without sobbing my heart throbbing the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave Feasting on this grief I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair Afraid to lose you again by loving so

I spied a white rabbit, pure as the snow Running through the field Running through the grass Stopping a moment to lift his head into the air Sniffing the breeze I spied a white rabbit and loved him at once His fur looked so soft and fluffy He was beautiful, lovely I wanted to pick him up To take him home to hug I spied a white rabbit and snuck up on him Quietly tiptoeing without a sound Slowly going one step at a time So I could grab him and make him mine Before he scooted off, terrified I spied a white rabbit, but he didn't see me He didn't know I even existed He didn't suspect I was waiting nearby To scoop him into my arms Leaving his world far behind I spied a white rabbit and oh how I tried To make him my pet To take the wild creature and tame it When I touched his fur, though, he bit His sharp teeth aren't nearly so cute I guess (now he's dead), I'll be having rabbit soup

No-one exists for me No-one will ever be Neither here nor there Nor anywhere For eternity No friend holds out a hand No woman, no man No-one cares I'm sad My family can't be found They're never around This anger is eating me alive, Tearing me up inside It builds, it fills my brain I can't pass a single day Without feeling hurt, Betrayed My sanity has decayed Until my very flesh is flayed I'm cutting into the vein To release the pain; So I can let go of hate, To finally think Verily, I must admit: I wish I had died That last time I tried I wish I felt more Than unhappy and sore I wish I weren't so bored Tired of endless strife Of my entire life Really, what should I expect? Life to be fair? The world to be perfect? Am I even real? Oftentimes, I can't feel a thing You haven't ever felt the same Yet you try to push the blame, Ridicule and bully Push me down At this point, I've had enough Enough of you, enough of me Enough of being, yet never being free