when i is lowercase

I used to believe in me, to cherish my dreams
Even in the throes of pain and grief
Despite the anger of non-forgiving
Of endless days and nights not living

Future time arrives, yet no wishes reside here
Always pushing them in front, holding them near out of fear
As if keeping them close means they won't go
Like a star-filled sky lighted by the moon's soft glow

Each star has slowly fallen, tragically misplaced
The sky has grown darker with no stars replaced
Changes have come and my life has moved along
But I'm not where I want to be at all

so now I has become i and you has become u
night is nite and right it rite and true is tru
other voices, other dreams overcome my own
i travel and live in hotels, never seeing my home

even my phone has a lowercase i
apostrophe taken from words (im not sure y?)
i can barely understand the sayings in this land
ftw used to mean "fuck the world", somehow it became "for the win"

so what do i use when i want to express
(without spelling it out)
my extreme, bitter unhappiness
to scream i hate everybody and everything?
to shout every dream is in the toilet or down the drain?
but i wont fish them out
cause now, damn it, ftw dont work

The Body

In the heart of my heart reside fantasies deep and dark
In the core of my soul, I'm never wholly whole
Truth and lies alike, set beside one another
Demons and lovers singing together
Twisting and turning
Baking and burning

In the eyes on my face forlorn, mirroring good and bad
What you want to see, you see, reflected, empty
A silvery dream of grey light piercing the dawn
Grey light molting until all has gone
In this chill cesspool
Leaving only you

In the hairs on my head bowed, my cracked and corrupted brow
Wrinkled and rippled, alabastered and crippled
Curving in rings like a game of musical chairs
One by one falling off; some linger here,
Refusing to move
When the tune resumes

In the lines on my dry hands, all the future schemes and plans
Pretty predictions paired to pink propositions
Such shining suppositions have been undermined
By the unkindest maledictions
Fomenting madness
Veiled betwixt sadness

In the pain from my feet, each step gingerly, incomplete
I stumble or paralyze my own self untrue
I stab, stab, stab back at the invisible ghosts
In hopes I can hurt me and you, too
Bitter desires
Formed from angry fires

In the end and the top, where we begin and we will stop
What verity can the sagest mind wish to see
Where prior minds before ours oft have lived or been
Nothing is truly new, while much grows old
Money cannot buy life
Nor can wishes untold

Final Credits

mixed and tumbled
jumbled
semi-coherent
unapparent
yet inherent
lacking spirit

fake smiles
phony happiness
bitter
cutting
self destructing

not here
never found
inside out
gagged and bound
gone forever

tasteless but tasting
wasting, wasting, wasting
sick and sad
pitiful, with no pity
to be found

sinful without sinning
prideful
hiding all
by telling nothing
that's important

picture frames
empty, absent
gathering dust
boxes filled with stuff
unused, rusted

why continue?
dull, droning, dull
drawing on and on
just waiting for
the final song
while the credits roll

Little Yellow Ducky

Little yellow duck strutting along
Quacking your song as you trot
Not a thought in your mind
Beside finding a bug
A tasty slug
To eat

Silly duck, you are without worry
No sorrow, no cares of tomorrow
Just a bit hungry, but that's it
What if you get sick?
You are far from home, alone
It's cold

Cute, tiny ducky, so very lucky
To have made it this far on the road
You don't even know the danger
Should a stranger notice you
Someone who isn't too keen
With you being happy

Little yellow duck plodding along
Still singing a ditty as you spot
A grub in a sidewalk crack
A tasty snack to munch on
Snap, you grab it up
To fill your belly

Smelly, slimy grub slithering by
You were just out for the day
When a big yellow thing appeared
Snatched you into the air
Now, you've disappeared
Like you were never
Even here

Hero

Here here here
I lie on the ground
Rooted down, scared to move
Not sure what to do
I'm frightened, trembling
I lie on the ground
Not making a sound
Pray it will go away

Fear fear fear
Heart beating, pumping
So incredibly loud
Panic and pain, shame
I'm too young to die
On this foreign land
Barely old enough
To even be a man

Where where where
Did my dreams vanish
To vanquish, overcome
Carry my country
Bring freedom, light, right
Fighting every day
Until I'm old and grey

Spear spear spear
In my heel piercing
Now I will never see
My future children
My wife beside me
Only the cold ground
A burial shroud
Covered, hidden, unclean

Cheer cheer cheer
This valiant tale
You speak of my battle
Make me immortal
Pass my story through
Each generation
Even though I failed
Every war needs a hero

shuffle, without repeat

The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me
Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away
without thinking
As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks
without blinking
without bringing up every memory of a happier day

Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear
Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt
Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay
without you
every day without you
every hour without you
The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin

I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood
I love you, I cannot say it enough now
without sobbing
my heart throbbing
the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity
Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie
Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave
Feasting on this grief

I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair
Afraid to lose you again by loving someone else
Replacing these images of you with his
ceasing to be able to limn your eyes
To describe how you were kind
forgetting every moment
blotting it from my mind

Now, this wind, this breeze ceases to shear my body
We walk along in tandem, companions, as I turn up my iPod to hear a song
with shuffle on
random
without repeat
Wiping, rubbing the tears from my cheek, I close my eyelids and begin to sing

White Rabbit

I spied a white rabbit, pure as the snow
Running through the field
Running through the grass
Stopping a moment to lift his head into the air
Sniffing the breeze

I spied a white rabbit and loved him at once
His fur looked so soft and fluffy
He was beautiful, lovely
I wanted to pick him up
To take him home to hug

I spied a white rabbit and snuck up on him
Quietly tiptoeing without a sound
Slowly going one step at a time
So I could grab him and make him mine
Before he scooted off, terrified

I spied a white rabbit, but he didn't see me
He didn't know I even existed
He didn't suspect I was waiting nearby
To scoop him into my arms
Leaving his world far behind

I spied a white rabbit and oh how I tried
To make him my pet
To take the wild creature and tame it
When I touched his fur, though, he bit
His sharp teeth aren't nearly so cute
I guess (now he's dead), I'll be having rabbit soup