Who I Am

To Be Loved

2011-01-31T00:47:00.003-06:00

I wish that I could be loved
To hold the hand of God
That stars shining above
Could ignite a lightning rod

Many years and days alone
I walked and prayed for you
I no longer know my home
I have searched to find your truth

I sat by you on this shore
Upon rocks in the sand
Waiting to be adored
Yet, refusing to take your hand

I hear these waves crash and die
Short lifespans savage, then gone
I feel so still inside
Always a bit withdrawn

I wish that I could be loved
To believe, to be with you
To touch and to be touched
As each night and day renew

Consecrate

2010-09-01T11:45:00.007-05:00

Marry me, Lover
And sing unto me
A song of redemption
To set our souls free

I want to breathe the light
To finally be with you
So, let my spirit go
Banish this dark within

Flowing and unformed
Into dust and wind
On perfect wings, we float
Here we can live again

L’enfer, c’est moi-même

2010-08-05T12:51:00.002-05:00

Recently, I decided to purchase the book Huis Clos by Sartre due to having used the phrase, "L'enfer, c'est les autres" on a site of mine. If you aren't familiar with the phrase, it basically means, "Hell, it's other people." At the time I selected that phrase, I had been pretty disappointed at the world in general and the people around me.

As a true internet dork who is pretty well incapable of easy exchanges with other people, I have oftentimes blamed others for my unhappiness with life. After purchasing the book (and I haven't yet read the book, since it's shipping from Amazon), I came to realize that the more applicable phrase for me would really be "L'enfer, c'est moi-même" or "Hell, it's myself."

Why precisely would hell be me? If I'm honest with myself, then the decisions I make, places I go, people I meet and interact with, and the words I say are all my own doing. By blaming other people for any hell I have (unhappiness) on earth, I'm absolving myself of the responsibility for my life. If hell is the people I'm around now, then I should find other people where I don't feel like I'm in hell. If the decisions I make cause me to be unhappy, I should start making better decisions. Most of all, my thought processes that frequently lead me to sadness due to thinking about past events or current events, these are my thoughts that I'm obsessing over repeatedly. No-one else is bringing up these events or ideas to lead me into unhappiness and insanity.

When I take responsibility and am truthful, hell isn't other people--it's me, myself and I.

Some SysAdmin Stuff

2010-07-23T13:43:00.010-05:00

I'm going to start posting sysadmin-type things on this blog. I haven't done much writing other than technical recently and my computer forum (@ errorcodex.com) is more for posting full tutorials. Posts here will focus on shorter snippets of information that I recently found out and want to pass along (mainly so I remember them myself).

Using @reboot in crontab -e

I recently discovered that the time interval @reboot can be used to start something upon server boot up. An example of this might be some script that you run continuously but that isn't set in /etc/init.d as a service to start on reboot (chkconfig service on). How it would be used is the following:

@reboot command

Let's say I have sys-snap.sh installed onto my machine to log every minute for the load and other processes. It won't restart on server reboot, so I could do the following for it in crontab -e (/var/spool/cron/root):

@reboot nohup ~/sys-snap.sh &

lsyncd for instant rsyncs on file changes

The program lsyncd at this spot handles instant rsyncs for files and folders changed in a watched directory by using inotify events. I'm still working on determining how to utilize this program. After I have a better understanding of how it works, I'll be producing a tutorial on my computer forum for it.

Grabbing the top level listing of permissions and ownership for a folder

Normally, I'd been using the following for a folder when I only wanted the top-level of the folder:

ls -lh /pathtofolder

This would show the full contents of the folder, which I didn't want. A better method would have been to use the -d flag:

ls -ld /pathtofolder

To see the difference, here's the returns for /home/admin on my test machine:

[root@itchy:/] # ls -lh /home/admin
total 360K
-rw-r--r--   1 root  root   2.8K Oct 28  2009 AccessIds.pm
lrwxrwxrwx   1 admin admin    31 Feb 28  2009 access-logs -> /usr/local/apache/domlogs/admin
drwxr-xr-x   4 admin admin  4.0K May 17 18:01 cpanel3-skel
-rw-r-----   1 admin admin     1 Oct 18  2009 cpbackup-exclude.conf
-rw-r--r--   1 root  root    433 Sep 22  2009 database.yml
drwxr-x---   6 admin mail   4.0K Jan 28 15:27 etc
drwxrw-rw-   2 admin admin  4.0K Oct 29  2009 happytime
drwxrwx---  12 admin admin  4.0K May 19 21:15 mail
-rw-r--r--   1 root  root    95K Jan  4  2010 mmangum.txt
-rw-r--r--   1 dani  dani   154K Apr 23 19:27 mysqluser.sql
drwxr-xr-x   2 admin admin  4.0K Jul  5 11:19 perl
-rw-r--r--   1 admin admin   39K Jul 11 09:52 php.ini
drwxr-xr-x   3 admin admin  4.0K Aug 27  2009 public_ftp
drwxr-x---   9 admin nobody 4.0K Jul 23 11:16 public_html
-rw-r--r--   1 root  root    13K Oct 28  2009 SafetyBits.pm
drwxr-xr-x   7 admin admin  4.0K Jun 24 18:53 tmp
lrwxrwxrwx   1 admin admin    11 Feb 28  2009 www -> public_html

[root@itchy:/] # ls -ld /home/admin
drwx--x--x  24 admin admin 4096 Jul 11 09:52 /home/admin

This is especially helpful if you want to drill down into folders to see just that folder's set permissions and ownership for any non-working service (like email). Here's an example to see /home/admin/etc/lunaradmin for the machine for each level:

[root@itchy:/] # ls -ld /home/admin /home/admin/etc /home/admin/etc/lunaradmin.com && ls -lah /home/admin/etc/lunaradmin.com/
drwx--x--x  24 admin admin 4096 Jul 11 09:52 /home/admin
drwxr-x---   6 admin mail  4096 Jan 28 15:27 /home/admin/etc
drwxr-x---   5 admin mail  4096 Jul  9 12:50 /home/admin/etc/lunaradmin.com
total 44K
drwxr-x---  5 admin mail  4.0K Jul  9 12:50 .
drwxr-x---  6 admin mail  4.0K Jan 28 15:27 ..
drwx--x--x  4 admin admin 4.0K Apr 10 15:52 admin
drwx--x--x  3 admin admin 4.0K Apr 10 15:52 cpacct
-rw-r--r--  1 admin mail   152 Feb 24 13:23 passwd
-rw-r--r--  1 admin admin 1.9K Feb 24 13:23 passwd,v
drwxr-x---  2 admin mail  4.0K Feb 24 13:24 @pwcache
-rw-r--r--  1 admin admin   33 Feb 24 13:23 quota
-rw-r--r--  1 admin admin  387 Feb 24 13:23 quota,v
-rw-r-----  1 admin mail   107 Apr 10 16:00 shadow
-rw-r-----  1 admin admin 2.0K Feb 24 13:23 shadow,v

This allows you in one command to get all the necessary permissions in order to troubleshoot if there's something wrong for any of the levels leading into that folder for that domain's passwd file that handles the email user authentication for the domain.

Stay

2010-02-27T04:09:00.001-06:00

There's a bird in a tree and he's singing to me
An enchanting love song of springtimes long gone
Oh, please don't fly away
Come here and stay
Flutter your wings in the breeze
Sing, sweetly please
Be here with me

When I tight close my eyes, such a vision devise
Where light patterns grow; where these shadows will go
Whence they have sprung
As this bird's song is sung
To undo what's been done
Back, bring me back
My family

Yet a crow's cawing loud in this harsh winter shroud
Hopping around in his cold leafless tree
Oh, do get thee away
Here must I stay
Listening to your wretched tune
Where death is never far
But never soon

Reflection

2009-08-17T17:22:00.002-05:00

I long to die
To fall through these holes
To a space that doesn't exist
Suspended in time

I tried for years
To forget who I am
To live each day as a day
Without tears
Without any regrets

So I've prayed and prayed
Here I've stayed and stayed
I have waited around
Hoping, wishing
Hanging onto a vision

But nothing has changed
Beyond the wrinkles and veins
Blood coursing through me
Breaths going in and out
Brooding in fear and in doubt

What is the point of it all
I can't be alone
I can't be with you
I can't be with anyone
It's the plain, simple truth

I long to die
To fall through these holes
To a space that doesn't exist
I can't continue to live

General Tso's Chicken à la Dani

2009-06-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

Ingredients
1 lb chicken thighs, already boned
3 eggs beaten with a whisk
1/2 cup cornstarch for egg mixture
2 tsp cornstarch for sauce mixture
5 dried pepper pods (using mexican dried pepper pods is fine)
1 & 1/2 tbsp rice vinegar
3 tbsp rice wine
1 & 1/2 tbsp sugar
4 tbsp soy sauce
1 and 1/2 tbsp hoisin sauce
1/2 tbsp garlic
1 tsp grated ginger root

Directions
Step 1 Mixing - In a large bowl, blend 1/2 cup of cornstarch and the pre-beaten eggs using a wire whisk until thoroughly combined. Should be a lemony yellow color at this point. Cut up the chicken pieces (de-boned thigh meat) into bite size pieces (around 6-8 pieces per full thigh piece), then add the chicken to the egg mixture and toss to coat.

Step 2 Mixing - In a small bowl, prepare the sauce mixture by combining 2 tsp cornstarch with the rice wine, rice vinegar, sugar, soy sauce, hoisin sauce, garlic and grated ginger root. For the ginger root, ensure to get fresh ginger root, then cut off the skin of it before grating it with a handheld cheese grater. In a second small bowl, make a duplicate of this exact same mixture using the same amounts and ingredients, but do not combine the 2 mixtures together.

Step 1 Frying - Heat 1-2 inches of peanut oil in a wok to medium-high heat (350-400). You really need a gas stove to get the oil hot enough. Fry the chicken in small batches of around 10-12 pieces at a time until the chicken is lightly browned. Remove the chicken to paper towls on a plate and allow it to stand. Keep frying the chicken in batches until all of it is done.

Step 2 Frying - Drain out the oil and the pieces of coating in the wok until you have only 1-2 tablespoons of oil left. Add the pepper pods to the oil and stir-fry briefly, bringing out the aroma but not burning them (around 60 to 120 seconds). Remove the pepper pods and return the chicken to the wok.

General's Favorite Sauce - Immediately after adding the chicken, add the sauce mixture to the wok, tossing over the heat until the sauce caramelizes into a glaze (1-3 minutes) over the chicken. After the chicken is entirely coated, then add the second sauce mixture to the wok and heat it through (you would not need to coat the chicken with this mixture, just heating and reducing the sauce a bit for about 2-3 minutes). At this point, remove the chicken and sauce from the heat and re-add the pepper pods to the chicken and sauce mixture.

Serve over a bed of white, long grain rice. Should serve approximately 4-6 people.

Pollo al Chilindrón

2009-06-16T09:07:00.005-05:00

Ingredients
2 1/2 pounds chicken thighs
1 and 1/2 white onions
2 minced garlic cloves
1/2 tsp paprika
2 large tomatoes
1 red bell pepper
1 green bell pepper
salt and pepper to taste
1 package of prosciutto
1 shot of Cognac or Marsala
Olive oil

Directions
Chop the onions and tomatoes. Dice the green and red bell peppers. Tear apart the prosciutto into pieces.

Heat the olive oil in a large saucepan. Add the chopped onions, minced garlic and chicken until the chicken is browned and the onion turns golden.

Pour Cognac or Marsala over the chicken. Add the prosciutto and mix. Add the paprika, some salt and pepper, then mix again. Add the rest of the ingredients, mix well. Cover and simmer on medium heat for around 45 minutes.

Serves 6-8 people.

Never free

2008-12-03T20:38:00.001-06:00

Numb, wanting wanting to be dumb
Blind with senses heightened
Yet dampened
Rambling
Talking to myself
In this self-made hell

Eating chocolate instead of substance
Drinking acid so it burns me
Since I really want to be consumed
By some sort of passion
Some sort of sensation or embrace
Embers only replace
The mask that descends

No friends, nothing but misguided whining
Needing a glimmer
Shining
Darkness
Stark and repressed emotions
Salt in this ocean
Bitterly swimming

Writing a poem while I'm drunk
Not really sure anymore
Why I am not just out
Giving blowjobs as a whore
Since I'm not better inside
Than those I pretend to be better than
Those I deride

I'd ride a wave of sin
Let the blackness in
To a soul that I don't own
Where everything is always me
Never moving
Never doing
Never free

If I Wake Up

2008-11-25T22:06:00.003-06:00

I gave my heart away
To another person who didn't deserve it
Who didn't want it
Here I am alone again, fading
Watching cars pass
A lit cigarette in my hand

I walk to the liquor store
After another meal by myself
Another restaurant familiar and known
I ordered meat this time
After being a vegetarian for a year
Because why should I really care

There's a bottle in the fridge
Put there tonight
Even though it's mid-week
And I didn't even used to drink

There are grey hairs
Sprouting out of my skull
I'd pluck them all
But my hair is already too thin

So I'll get drunk soon
Like my father did when I was a kid
It won't help; it won't lessen anything
I won't be able to sleep better
I'll still be alone in the morning
If I wake up at all

Cheddar Cheese Puffs

2008-11-22T20:13:00.001-06:00

This recipe comes from Better Homes and Gardens' "Cream Puffs" recipe, but rather than filling with sweet fillings, I instead change it to have cheddar. It ends up tasting like a pastry dish, good for any time of the day even breakfast.

Ingredients
1 cup water
1/2 cup butter
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup all-purpose flour
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups of grated sharp cheddar cheese

Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease a baking sheet 9 x 15in.

In a medium saucepan, stir together water, butter and salt until they boil.
Add flour all at once, stirring vigorously until it forms a ball.

Remove from heat, then add 1 1/2 cups cheddar cheese. Cool for 10 minutes.
Add eggs, one at a time, beating well with a wooden spoon after each.

Drop 12 evenly formed heapings of the dough onto the baking sheet.
Bake for 25 minutes, then pull out and sprinkle cheddar cheese on top of each. Cook 5 minutes more until the cheese is melted.
Remove from the dish and cool.

Can chill and reheat for up to 3 days. Serves 3-6.

White Lasagne

2008-11-22T20:10:00.001-06:00

The recipe is based on the one at this location, however, I made a few changes like I always do when making any recipe.

Ingredients
3/4 cup minced shallots (5-6, peeled, then sliced and minced)
1 stick unsalted butter
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon paprika
3 3/4 cups 2% milk
1 cup chicken broth (replace with vegetable broth if you are a vegetarian)
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
1/2 teaspoon grated black pepper
1/2 cup dry Marsala
1 to 1.5 cups grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, portion out 1/2 cup separately
1/8 cup grated Asiago
12 no-boil egg lasagne sheets (usually Barilla flat egg no boil pasta is best, it comes with 16 sheets)

Directions
Preheat oven to 350°F with rack in middle of oven.

Place shallots and butter into a heavy medium saucepan and cook over medium heat, stirring periodically until the shallots are tender. This takes around 3-5 minutes.
Add the flour all at once, then reduce heat to low, stirring with a plastic or wooden spoon about 3 minutes.
Add the nutmeg and paprika. Increase the heat back to medium temperature, then slowly whisk in milk one cup at a time until blended.
Stir in the chicken or vegetable broth until blended. Bring to a boil, whisking with the spoon. Reduce heat to simmer, stirring until the sauce lightly coats the spoon. This is only about 1-2 minutes after reducing to simmer from the boil.

Remove from heat and cool until it is only warm rather than hot, re-stirring occasionally. Stir in eggs, Marsala, sea salt, pepper, and 1/2 cup Parmigiano Reggiano cheese.

Spread about 1 3/4 cups sauce over bottom of a glass baking dish about 11x8-inch in size. Cover with a layer of 3 lasagne sheets. Place a sprinkling of Parmigiano Reggiano on top of it with about 1/2 cup sauce.
Add another layer of 3 sheets and put a sprinkling of Asiago cheese on it with about 1/2 cup sauce.
Add another layer of 3 sheets and put the rest of the Asiago on it with about 1/4 cup sauce.
Add the last layer of 3 sheets, then top the remaining sauce evenly over the entire dish, then over the sauce put the remaining Parmigiano Reggiano cheese evenly.

Bake, uncovered, until browned, around 50 minutes.

Cool slightly, then slice into pieces with a knife. The bottom will stick slightly due to the sheets being egg-based, so you likely want to use a fork to get each piece out.

Enjoy! Serves around 4-6 people with around 12 slices (2-3 pieces per person).

White Chocolate Brownies

2008-11-22T20:08:00.001-06:00

Based off of this recipe with some changes.

Ingredients
6 tablespoons butter
8 ounces white chocolate
2 eggs
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 tablespoon vanilla
1 cup flour
1/2 cup butterscotch chips

Directions
Preheat oven to 350°F.
Line an 8 inch square baking dish with foil.

Melt butter and 4 ounces of white chocolate together in top of double boiler over hot water (alternatively, use a medium saucepan with water under another smaller pan), stirring occasionally until mixed.
When melted, remove from heat and add the remaining white chocolate. Stir to blend well. Set aside.

Beat the eggs and sugar until pale and thick.
Add white chocolate and butter mixture, vanilla and flour. Beat with spoon just until smooth.
Add butterscotch chips and mix just until evenly mixed, do not overmix.

Pour into prepared pan and bake 25-30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Cool out of the oven for about 30 minutes, then cut into squares and refrigerate 1-2 hours before serving. Serves 4-6 people.

Best Ever Potato Casserole

2008-11-22T20:07:00.000-06:00

Ingredients
1 pound 4 ounce bag of refrigerated hash browns
1 stick of semi-melted butter (melt 20-25 seconds in microwave)
16 oz sour cream
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
1 cup chopped white pearl onions
1 can Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp dried basil
1 tablespoon crushed or minced garlic
French's French Fried Onions (1/2 to 2/3 large can)

Directions
Preheat oven to 350°F.

Mix together hash browns and butter.
Add sour cream, 1 and 1/2 cups cheddar cheese and pearl onions, mix thoroughly.
Next, add cream of mushroom soup, garlic, paprika and basil. Again, mix thoroughly.

Add frenchs french fried onions, crushing them up and removing any extremely hard bits until the dish is evenly coated and mixed.

Cook 30 minutes. Re-stir the dish, then add another layer of cheddar cheese on top (1/2 cup). Cook for another 20-25 minutes, then remove and serve.

Serves 4-6 people.

abject

2008-09-30T01:45:00.001-05:00

squeak squeak squeak...wading wafting waiting
water drifting ripe and lifting, rippling
onto the shore of abandon wanton want
plunged and plunged
plundered, plugged
grit and grunge
detritus
dirty
done

Silver Breeze

2008-09-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

Take me down into the glow
Carry me away
Into places I haven't known
Through memories
Through melodies
Dance with me upon this silver breeze

Touching you as you touch me
Our hands are joined
Together, we are synched and meshed
Molded visions
By precision
Confluent streams, no division

Wake with me upon the morn
Open your golden eyes
To see only my face at dawn
Trace my heart
Taste my skin
Kiss me once, twice as you breathe me in

I am here within the glow
Carried away
Into places I've never known
Warm memories
Soft melodies
As we dance upon this silver breeze

Blinded

2008-09-14T02:09:00.022-05:00

Your eyes change color with the light
One moment gold; one moment blue
Shimmering, simmering
I feel so very blessed
I wish I could profess
This love to you

A vision years ago
Brought you into my soul
I searched and searched to find
Someone to match this image in my mind
Until I had to let you go

Why did fate wait so long?
Serenade me with sorrowful songs
Let me lose my faith along the way
Never believing I'd see your face
God, I wish you'd feel the same

How I wish you were mine
I ache when I gaze into your eyes
Yearning, joyous, alive
I want to be with you,
But blinded by your grace,
I turn away

two feet

2008-08-05T01:38:00.001-05:00

soot dirty foot
pounding down
down down
down onto concrete pavement
sidewalk marked
colorful chalked
hard ground

the other foot held high
jumping up
up up
up to the sky
azure-filled sun shine
with closed eyes
tight shut

hopscotch

Dark Beauty

2008-08-05T00:15:00.001-05:00

While it might seem strange to say this is a love poem, it is indeed a love poem.

You are a dark beauty
Gloaming
A floating reflection
An image cast of perfection
At last here
Rippling, surfacing
For this mere mortal earthling
To worship
As stars blaze to ignite
As pinpoints of white
Cease to be bright
As your blackness fills
Kills
Thrills
The night

Finger of Death - short story in progress

2008-08-03T15:44:00.002-05:00

I'm working on this horror story. I intend to possibly add more details to describe the surroundings in this first part, but I just wanted reactions on how it is going so far and any suggestions people might have.

A slick, sticky oiliness pervades my skin as I perspire profusely, making me all the more uncomfortable in this deep, dead tropical heat. I'm not acclimated to such high humidity in my native St. Louis, Missouri. I recline in the village circle, while one of the inhabitants, an elderly man barely dressed with cracks and wrinkles traversing his body, is relaying some folktale or other superstitious nonsense about one of the creatures around here. Madagascar houses some of the most unique prosimians on the planet, which was the impetus for me to take a vacation to this godforsaken hell on earth in the first place.

"Aye-aye is death omen. He visit in night and he point his long middle finger to you."

Barely stifling a laugh, I inquire back, "He gives you the finger of death you might call it?" Holding up my hand, I point my middle finger directly at the old dude.

"Yeaaa, he point finger to you--you assured quick to die."

"And this is the sole reason that the creatures are killed? Their numbers have been decimated to where they are nearly extinct. You do realize they are unique to this area and don't live anywhere else in the world?"

"He enter to our village in night and bring death to us. We protect ourselves. What other choice have we?" His dark brown eyes look staunchly back at me almost as if he's daring me to find fault with his logic.

Unflinchingly returning his gaze, I quip back, "Deforestation is why these creatures are coming into towns. You are taking away their places to live."

"My family, my village matter. Your country give help to us and we stop to chop trees," he expressively opens out his hands, indicating this is the end of the matter and there is nothing more he can say or do. This gesture reminds me of how we would shrug for the same type of response back home.

Getting up, he beckons me to follow him to my living quarters. Each of the shacks are tiny with yellow, thatched roofs, lending a picturesque quality to the dirty surroundings. I'll be thrilled to finally find some rest. The entire day has been trying, nothing like I'd pictured my trip would turn out to be. Somewhere in my mind, I'd envisioned majestic plants with colorful animals hanging from tree branches and people who stepped right out of the pages of National Geographic magazine. The onerous heat and lack of civilization (ergo, no Starbucks or even a Seven Eleven) hadn't been gathered into the equation. I'm not a seasoned traveler and I doubt I'll make the mistake of picking a non-touristy spot again. Future vacation plans shall all include a spa and a bar with ice cold drinks awaiting nearby.

Words

2008-07-22T17:32:00.000-05:00

Words cannot describe how I feel
Weak, hackneyed, incomplete
None of them real

The beauty and the pain
The love rising up
When I cry out your name

Your kiss, the curve of your lips
The flush of warmth divine
Only for me, only mine

I had waited and waited, and waited some more
For a perfect love, someone to adore
Until I could wait no more

So, I trashed and burned my desires
Quit being a child consumed by fires
A child with stories, hiding, a liar

When the ashes cooled and the true me remained
I could be myself, no longer empty
No longer chained

Only then could I really see you
Without expectation or rejection
I accept that you love me, too

The Great Divide

2008-07-22T00:31:00.002-05:00

From the depths
From deep, dark down
Dirty and earthen bound
I cry

In this hole
Seeping, yawing
Arms clutching and mauling
Inside

On the edge
Slipping, falling
Creatures crawl, claw, calling
Then hide

Dread omen
A little crow
Cawing out to and fro
He flies

You look up
Far off, up high
Above casting soft light
Stars shine

Open hands
Unable to touch
Unwelcome and unloved
We die

Alive

2008-07-20T14:47:00.004-05:00

I feel content when I'm not content
Hurting too much
Mentally crushed
Pushed, shoved, bent
Roughed a bit up

Not the physical pain
This body means nothing
A vessel to spill
For blood to fill
Bones and skin
Nothing to me
But what holds me within

My mind and spirit, my soul
Flies on wings
Listening to the flutter
Sounds pulsating out
Blinking, tingling
Delighting in agony divine
Other people's pain heightening mine

Words witty and sharp
Laughing like a lark
Frighteningly cold, intentionally bold
Simply to see the confusion
The daggers arise from such beautiful eyes
Flashing, finally alive
They glare with hatred into mine

So I push this dark out of my skin
Sinister intentions
Malicious purpose
Angelic demons breaking the surface
Then squirming back in

Awash and Aglow

2008-07-18T23:21:00.001-05:00

I spot you from afar
Yet you haven't a clue
How amazing you are
In this loud, crowded room
Your grace shines, shimmers out
Setting the place aglow

High angels swoop and swoon
To touch you as they fall
Clamoring to be close
Each vie for attention
Screech, scream--you don't see them
Your eyes are linked with mine

Perfection does not exist
But for the breath released
By your lips

You whisper deep into me
Warmth trickles down and through
My open throat

Full and whole, gulping, wanton
Awash with your pure love
I drown

Lodging for the Night

2008-07-11T04:35:00.002-05:00

desolate, dull and dreary in this courtyard dim
noises eerie of scraping and clicking
scurry on the periphery, creatures slinking
into the shade, sensing the need to escape
to hide far away

forbidden mysteries, secret sins
exchanged by the dime
but his appetites aren't quite the norm
nor his chilled, aphotic grin
normally chatty, she stays silent

movement black and blurred
sudden and grim
she's pushed up to the cold wall (so she don't fall)
pressed hard into the rough bricks
again and again and again

left alone now to be found
solitary and motionless, soon a large crowd
gathers round to gape
at internal organs
fleshed and splayed out

the price paid to earn
her lodging for the night

The Door

2008-07-01T22:47:00.001-05:00

Push it open a crack
Gawk
Hold up a tiny hand
Dust and light gathers through
Sweeping out from the room

Heave hard against the sturdy frame
A wooden door
Neglected
Hinges squeak
A rusty scream

Scared, fall onto the floorboards
Listening for sounds within
Sounds without
Sounds up and down
Any notice or shout

Nothing

Silence

Grin, push the door a bit again

Twilight

2008-06-29T02:36:00.000-05:00

Calm, quiet, displaced
Gentle embers fade
Away into the stillness
Uncertain and unwilling
Within slow, slowing, chilling
as light is abating
unfolding space

Closing, singed and dazed
Each flame gone, replaced
By comfort; by harsh neglect
No life left just circumspect
Discarded, dead reflections
majestic, separate
imperfections

An incantation
As we disappear
Bring back the life to us here
Lift up our souls so we see
Another dawn, please set us free
twilight shadows echo
captivity

All is lost, lost and forlorn
Knowing this, we still move on
A band of nomads
Misfits, miscreants
Wandering amidst the mist
locked into this time, stopped
we must exist

The Second Riddle

2008-06-16T04:02:00.001-05:00

I am the malcontent
Here I am
Tired, spent
Worthless, null
Void and dull
Languishing, infertile soul

A cipher filled
Dark matter
Meaningless and chilled
Killing, killed
By your laughter
But not your apathy
When you refuse to see me

I will take your soul
Spit it out whole
Tear away your face
When you run
From the blackness
From the pain
From your own shame

Pitched, reeling
No ground
No ceiling
Not even the sky
Nowhere to hide
Just empty space

I am coming for you
I wait in the shadows
Lurking on the ledge
I live in these surfaces
Of blades that cut
Waiting to slit you up

Into your dreams
I will enter unseen
Take out all the light
Until you cannot believe
In anything
Not even me

Who could I be?

Falling

2008-06-09T01:37:00.002-05:00

Into the abyss
A cavern endlessness
Filled with emptiness
Lingering, then going down

Sad...sad...das..asd
Words jumbled, meaning tumbled
I am lost, fumbled, crumpled
I can't be found

Chilled, deep water
Fall, fall, falling
Calling your name
As I forget my own

Floating
Luminous, glowing
Flowing
No longer knowing with skin puffed out

Drowned

I know what this poem sounds like, but then I also know it can be interpreted more than one way for what I intended to mean. It isn't just intended to have the physical meaning of the words. I am trying to strip away at words to get to the heart of meaning and paint a picture in this one as well as a few others recently. Hopefully, it came out okay.

Emotion Whore

2008-06-02T01:47:00.001-05:00

"Hello, is Dani there?"

You call me up out of the blue
It's been over four years
Since I heard from you
Just want to see how I'm doin'

You broke my trust repeatedly
Deceived me; stole from me
Despite all the pain, I let you in
To a place I usually hide

I have thought of you
Less and less, though
Letting you go, not wanting to know
If you were still alive

Yeah, I can't help you almost died
The other night had to be hospitalized
Due to low T-cell counts
And drinking your guts out

Oh, you're taking your meds again
Wonder how long that'll last?
Hope you pop some anti-psychotics
With those antibiotics

Great to hear you feel fine now
Even if you live day by day
Worried another person
Will break into your place

(Wow, too bad to hear some mugger took all your cash from your last paycheck that would have paid your rent so you could not get kicked out)

I would love to love you still
But I know you too well
You don't deserve to be my friend
You would rather pretend than be real

Intimacy isn't easy for me
I can't give you anything in return
You will only break me apart
Watch as I wobble off without a heart

Sure, call me again, call me all you like
I'll answer but I'll be all right
You can't get into my life
Since there's nothing for you here anymore
I'm not an emotion whore like you

"Hey, I better let you go as I'm kinda busy, Kevin."

beyond me

2008-06-02T01:40:00.001-05:00

I want to believe
in anything beyond me
inviolate and strong
always right
never wrong

I want to trust
flowing with light, with love
find beauty in everything
the promise
of sunny spring

I want to hope
to dream of neverland
where I can be a child again
free, running through the sand
playing by the sea

I want to wish
to feel your soft kiss
to sit outside in the sun
never turning red
golden, beautiful, young

I want to live

I can live here with you
grow old
my friend, my soul
singing the days into the night
until we both turn in
then turn out the light

Love Me

2008-05-25T00:41:00.002-05:00

Why can't I love myself?

I know I care--words I say upset me
I live in rooms, venting, crying
My mind flooded with ways of dying
Hover in aching sadness to touch the cutting edge
Slice my flesh by this anger in my head

Why can't I trust myself?

I could do something beyond sitting here
I'd likely fail, but I could still move
Anything would be better than this nothing,
A nothingness which was forged by something:
A past I should bloody forget

Why do I have constant fear?

I act as if the world will soon end (maybe it will)
Anxiety fills me--sorrowful, perpetually morose
Putting you all into my soul
Unable to separate humanity from me
Plagued by this paradox of insanity
...I just can't shake free

Why do I need you?

I say I don't but really I do
I don't want to need me either
So I purposely reject you
I push you into my bitter words
Then run away to play with my own pain

Why am I alone again?

By myself, here by myself and alone
Feeling these feelings I always know
All alone, I am never going to heal
Yet, it isn't only your love I need
Since your love cannot make me complete

Why can't I love me?

Poetic Descriptions

2008-05-24T03:31:00.005-05:00

Influences, Inspiration and Interpreations of my Poems

I am writing this section to outline details on my poems for anyone who likes poetic backgrounds. People are always welcome to have their own interpretations since most poems have multiple nuances.

1987-89 (in high school)
# A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written

This poem was written to detail the 10-letter-word referenced at the beginning, which is the word loneliness.

# Glances - circa 1989
# Forever - circa 1989

These 2 poems were written about a high school crush I had on a student a grade older than me (Matt Adams).

1991 (in college)
# Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991

I fell deeply in love with the man who I thought would be my soulmate, a college professor in my sophmore year of French. He didn't return the feelings. I had a nervous breakdown, which prompted the next poem

# The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe

The last poem I wrote before trying to commit suicide by taking 60 Tylenol due to believing I'd never have an intimate relationship or find the truth in the universe. I was right.

2001 (worked in insurance company at the time)
# The Shadow's Deep - originally circa 1991, revised 2001

This was originally written because I always had an obsession with dying by drowning. I later re-wrote it to be the siren song chanted in Bran's narrative for Endar, the online interactive novel I've been writing for ages.

2002 (same job as prior year)
# The Whirlwind - 2002 Oct 22

I was working 2 jobs when I wrote this and felt like I was in a rut. I hadn't really written any poems for a long time and was bored, so I decided to do one after such a long hiatus. I pretty much just wanted to get back into writing poetry just for Endar at the time, since I decided I would need some poems for it.

2003 (working at webhosting company in support)
# growing - 2003 May (not yet on blog)

Written for my gardening site to detail the changing seasons still having growing flowers.

2005 (promoted in same company to sysadmin; start Anything & Everything Writing Forum)
# A melancholic tune - 2005 Feb 25

I started a writing forum and wanted to start poetry in earnest again, but was pretty melancholic due to the weather.

# Ophir - 2005 Apr 1

I had a dream in about 1996 about finding Ophir. At that time, I was an anthropology student looking forward to going into archaeology. Even though I didn't end up doing that, the dream was the best and most vivid I've ever had.

# Hear My Heart - 2005 Sept 3

Wanting a friend (not a lover), I wrote this poem about finding intimacy with another soul.

# Wasting Away - 2005 Nov 28

Even though I'd intended to begin writing more on Endar and poetry, I hadn't done much due to overall laziness and lack of inspiration. This poem details the wasted years of any possible talent I might have developed.

2006 (promoted in same company to sysadmin supervisor)
# Meant To Be - 2006 Jan 21

An attempt to write a love poem that ends well for once.

# My True Heart - 2006 Jun 10

Another person on my forum, paradox, wrote an essay or poem (can't remember which now) that prompted this poem in return from me.

# song of the journey's end - 2006 Jul 10

Written specifically for Endar, it is intended as an end poem for the story.

# Who I Am - 2006 Jul 18

On jasidog.com forum, I read about a member there who met another and they had just had a child recently together. Looking at my life and the continued loneliness along with never having had a lover nor child, I wrote this poem.

# Periphery - 2006 Aug 26

Looking at death by sinking slowly into the periphery, this poem actually celebrates the beauty of quietly passing into that realm.

# Standing by the Gate - 2006 Oct 28

I wrote this poem during the first time I had to go to Vegas for my company, then waited several months to post it. While in Vegas, I never went to do anything like typical at home in Iowa and just was an observer for other people living life.

2007 (promoted in same company to sysadmin manager of training)
# Strangers in the Day - 2007 Jan 6

Even though I'd never had any relationship, I've often considered personally just one night stands are a bit sinful (due to my upbringing as Catholic). This poem was intended to thresh through that idea.

# I Wish I Could - 2007 Feb 6

A Harry Potter fan, I wrote this poem as a fun one about the characters.

# The Damaged Soul - 2007 Feb 6

Written thinking of Severus Snape's character in the Harry Potter books and how it relates to my life as well.

# A Strange Celebration - 2007 Feb 17

Written for Alan Rickman's birthday, this poem was done by request for a forum I used to belong to that was a Harry Potter fan forum. I said I'd write something for his birthday for the other members.

# If I Love You - 2007 Jun 27

Yet another poem bemoaning my lack of a real relationship with a significant other.

-- 2007 Nov AFI becomes favorite new group (never heard of them before this time, any poetic influences would start from this date) --
# Dreaming - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)

Written about the only true type of love I can conceive, the love between a child and a parent. Here I am wishfully thinking about a future child I might have and this is a bit of a lullaby type poem for the child.

# The Vampire's Lament - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)

The first poem on my vampire obsession started for my "Damned for Eternity" novella.

# frozen statues - 2007 Dec 17

The first poem written inspired by AFI. I watched "Love Like Winter" repeatedly due to becoming obsessed with AFI's music. I would also say I was a bit enamored with the lead singer, Davey Havok. The poem is about love that you cannot touch or have.

# The Damned - 2007 Dec 22

A haiku written for vampires.

# disconnect - 2007 Dec 24

My philosophy of the universe based on nihilism.

# The Festival of Lights - 2007 Dec 25

A poem on Hanakah.

2008 (same job as prior year)
# Bathed in Blue - 2008 Jan 7

I went to see the group Blaqk Audio, which has Davey Havok as lead singer and Jade Puget on music (2 AFI members). The venue was in San Francisco on New Years Eve. During my favorite Blaqk Audio song called "Bitter for Sweet", a blue spotlight shone down on Davey. This poem was to commemorate the event for all time for me.

# Dark to Light - 2008 Jan 9

A poem about my own battle with depression, darkness and striving to find the light. My own battle with me to find who I am and come home.

# indigo petals - 2008 Jan 13

A poem about the year 1998 when almost all of my family died and I attended mass funerals, including my father and paternal aunt's. The poem was inspired by "This Time Imperfect" by AFI. Note that the title "indigo petals" was picked by seeing Davey wearing indigo eyeshadow in the "I Heard a Voice" DVD rendition of "This Time Imperfect" so these indigo eyelids were the petals that I envisioned when I started the poem.

# The Playground - 2008 Jan 16

This poem is set to the word syllable pattern of "This Time Imperfect" by AFI, my favorite song of theirs.

# streaming - 2008 Jan 18

I'd heard about stream of consciousness writing and wanted to see if I could just do something way beyond that poetically. The words each represent a complete picture / thought.

# The Arrival of Winter - 2008 Jan 19

I started this poem months earlier and finished the second half of it on this date. It is just detailing never telling the men I love that I love them due to fear and realization of rejection should I do so. That I will die never telling any man I love him.

# Part of Me - 2008 Jan 22

Inspired by the song "On the Arrow", this matches the word syllable pattern of that song. It is another AFI song.

# Bask in Your Light - 2008 Jan 22

I write so many dark poems that I challenged myself to write a happy one. This one is filled with the light of motherhood and the innocence of childhood.

# The Starting Tale - 2008 Jan 22

Another vampiric poem intended for my vampire novella.

# Baby - 2008 Jan 22

I wrote this poem about a cat I had called Baby who died at 3 months old due to her heart giving out.

# Moonlight Kite - 2008 Jan 23

This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Morningstar" by AFI.

# Flesh and Blood - 2008 Jan 31

This poem matches the word syllable pattern of "Silver and Cold" by AFI.

# An Offering - 2008 Feb 11

A poem where the devil offers to let you sell your soul for short-term happiness.

# Below the Cellar - 2008 Feb 12

My poor attempt to write a sestina poem. It pretty well sucks.

# Cut Me Up - 2008 Feb 16

A poem using a unique 3 line stanza syllable pattern based on:

A
B
B

C
C
A

# The Morning After - 2008 Feb 24

Another poem for my vampire novella.

# The Salmon - 2008 Mar 3

A poem for Endar about the Salmon who ate the hazelnut from the tree of life to live forever and know all the wisdom of the world.

# The Box - 2008 Mar 6

Written to have many meanings. One is about separation from the group as an outsider. Another is that of being part of the Despair Faction (the fan club) for AFI. Another is about a contentious issue that arose on a forum I belong to whereby I was debating with another member about grouping and labelling and how people shouldn't be in groups. Finally, it is about pandora's box as well.

# Parting the Cracked Glass - 2008 Mar 7

The manner how vampires enter our world in my vampire novella. This poem is for that book.

# Responsibility - 2008 Mar 9

A poem from the man's perspective (I'm a woman btw) on a failed marriage.

# Partner Soul - 2008 Mar 15

The theme I've done before about not having found my soulmate.

# Letting Go of My Heart - 2008 Mar 21

How to cease being a bitch and a soulless ghost.

# zombie - 2008 Mar 28

I was thinking of the zombie dancing mob during a concert when I started this poem and it developed into American society in general.

# cold embrace - 2008 Apr 17

Unlike periphery, this poem is on an unpleasant death.

# my Demon - 2008 Apr 17

Although this is about a possessed person, it can hold true for anyone who has conflicted mental states where we have our own voice telling us to do things or believe things that negatively impact our perceptions of reality (such as "I'm fat" or "I'm stupid" type thinking).

# Bound - 2008 Apr 21

I was in a great deal of physical pain and agony, which happens a lot recently, when I wrote this poem.

# The Riddle - 2008 Apr 30

A poem for Endar, one of the riddles Bran and Elista will be asked to answer.

# Emo - 2008 May 3

A poem about feeling like an outsider and malcontent.

# White Rabbit - 2008 May 3

This poem was inspired by a picture of Davey Havok holding a white rabbit that I found online. I'm a vegetarian and decided I wanted to do a poem about being wild, our desires as humans and the confrontation between the beauty of the wild and our expectations of it. There's an underlying element where what we desire is perfect from afar and not so perfect upon seeing it up close, similar to the stylized images we see in pictures that have been airbrushed and digitally altered to seem perfect for celebrities.

# shuffle, without repeat - 2008 May 6

A poem about my father and the memories I often try to push aside due to the extreme grief that they cause to me.

# Hero - 2008 May 15

A poem on fear and dying in battle, which is about the hero Achilles.

# Little Yellow Ducky - 2008 May 18

I wrote this poem thinking about a yellow rubber duck and it became a poem on the cycle of life and death, including the size of things in the world.

# Final Credits - 2008 May 18

This one is easier to understand when read. I'm not sure I can explain it in prose.

# Decay - 2008 May 18

I wrote this poem about the decay of the body into old age and death.

# when i is lowercase - 2008 May 18

What I consider to be one of 3 great poems I've written ("The Seeds of Wisdom" and "frozen statues" the other 2 poems). This poem is about my dreams, how I have lost hope for them to ever come true, how the dreams of others now are my focus to make those people happy (my mom, the company I work for), and how the I of me isn't so important anymore, making it lowercase just like has happened in online society in chatting. Note that my company is a tech one, so we have a lot of online activity such as Jabber, ICQ, IRC.

# As Any Mother Would - 2008 May 19

Another attempt to write a semi-light filled poem, mainly because I have a poetic book I'm trying to complete and need around 22 poems that are "happier" for it.

# Godless - 2008 May 19

Another poem for my vampire novel, although I did consider changing it slightly to make it a second riddle for Bran and Elista (where it wouldn't be a vampire but another element instead).

# masks of water - 2008 May 20

The first set of haiku I'm actually happy with having written. These 4 are on states of water, all spring and summer images.

masks of water

2008-05-20T03:31:00.002-05:00

silhouette in wire
bobbing on the surface top
a fish takes the bait

fun, fresh water splays
on concrete sidewalk chalk lines
garden hose playground

acrid odor dog
running in the street unleashed
as the rain pours down

sanitized, green pool
summer is finally here
a child pees in you

Godless

2008-05-19T19:44:00.003-05:00

My life
My life
My life
Was shaped of bits of stone
Formed from pieces of bone
Desolate and cold

I found the wounded sun
When man had just begun
My life
My life
My life
Bitter, thankless one

When will the day be gone?
These birds, they sing no more
Blackened to the core
My life
My life
My life

Come, you idols of blood
My life
My life
My life
Such fools through an' through
Fit just to amuse

My life
Your death
My life
I have been reborn
By twilight, dusk and dawn
Whilst you have only died

I am
Alive
Alive
Alive
Pray drown within my eyes

As Any Mother Would

2008-05-19T19:44:00.001-05:00

I tried not to damage you
To take away your glow
The purity rising up
From your beautiful soul

I tried to shelter you
To take away your pain
The rain pouring down
Into each and everything

I tried to keep you
To hold you close to me
Just for my own needs
Just to do what I please

I tried to love you
As long as I could
As much as I should
As any mother would

I tried not to forget you
Even when you left me
You were so beautiful
But I had to set you free

when i is lowercase

2008-05-18T05:12:00.006-05:00

I used to believe in me, to cherish my dreams
Even in the throes of pain and grief
Despite the anger of non-forgiving
Of endless days and nights not living

Future time arrives, yet no wishes reside here
Always pushing them in front, while holding them near out of fear
As if keeping them close means they won't go
Like a star-filled sky lighted by the moon's soft glow

Each star has slowly fallen, tragically misplaced
The sky has grown darker with no stars replaced
Changes have come and my life has moved along
But I'm not where I want to be at all

so now I has become i and you has become u
night is nite and right it rite and true is tru
other voices, other dreams overcome my own
i travel and live in hotels, never seeing my home

even my phone has a lowercase i
apostrophe taken from words (im not sure y?)
i can barely understand the sayings in this land
ftw used to mean "fuck the world", somehow it became "for the win"

so what do i use when i want to express
(without spelling it out)
my extreme, bitter unhappiness
to scream i hate everybody and everything?
to shout every dream is in the toilet or down the drain?
but i wont fish them out
cause now, damn it, ftw dont work

Decay

2008-05-18T02:34:00.003-05:00

In the heart of my heart reside fantasies deep and dark
In the core of my soul, I'm never wholly whole
Truth and lies alike, set beside one another
Demons and lovers singing together
Twisting and turning
Baking and burning

In the eyes on my face forlorn, mirroring good and bad
What you want to see, you see, reflected, empty
A silvery dream of grey light piercing the dawn
Grey light molting until all has gone
In this chill cesspool
Leaving only you

In the hairs on my head bowed, my cracked and corrupted brow
Wrinkled and rippled, alabastered and crippled
Curving in rings like a game of musical chairs
One by one falling off; some linger here,
Refusing to move
When the tune resumes

In the lines on my dry hands, all the future schemes and plans
Pretty predictions paired to ripe ruination
Such shining suppositions have been undermined
By maledictions unfair, unkind
That foment madness
Veiled betwixt sadness

In the pain from my feet, each step gingerly, incomplete
I stumble or paralyze my own self untrue
I stab, stab, stab back at the invisible ghosts
In hopes I can hurt me and you, too
Bitter desires
Formed from angry fires

In the end and the top, where we begin and we will stop
What verity can the sagest mind wish to see
Where prior minds before ours oft have lived or been
Nothing is truly new, while much grows old
Money cannot buy life
Nor can wishes untold

Final Credits

2008-05-18T01:35:00.000-05:00

mixed and tumbled
jumbled
semi-coherent
unapparent
yet inherent
lacking spirit

fake smiles
phony happiness
bitter
cutting
self destructing

not here
never found
inside out
gagged and bound
gone forever

tasteless but tasting
wasting, wasting, wasting
sick and sad
pitiful, with no pity
to be found

sinful without sinning
prideful
hiding all
by telling nothing
that's important

picture frames
empty, absent
gathering dust
boxes filled with stuff
unused, rusted

why continue?
dull, droning, dull
drawing on and on
just waiting for
the final song
while the credits roll

Little Yellow Ducky

2008-05-18T01:33:00.005-05:00

Little yellow duck strutting along
Quacking your song as you trot
Not a thought in your mind
Beside finding a bug
A tasty slug
To eat

Silly duck, you are without worry
No sorrow, no cares of tomorrow
Just a bit hungry, but that's it
What if you get sick?
You are far from home, alone
It's cold

Cute, tiny ducky, so very lucky
To have made it this far on the road
You don't even know the danger
Should a stranger notice you
Someone who isn't too keen
With you being happy

Little yellow duck plodding along
Still singing a ditty as you spot
A grub in a sidewalk crack
A tasty snack to munch on
Snap, you grab it up
To fill your belly

Smelly, slimy grub slithering by
You were just out for the day
When a big yellow thing appeared
Snatched you into the air
Now, you've disappeared
Like you were never
Even here

Hero

2008-05-15T01:51:00.001-05:00

Here here here
I lie on the ground
Rooted down, scared to move
Not sure what to do
I'm frightened, trembling
I lie on the ground
Not making a sound
Pray it will go away

Fear fear fear
Heart beating, pumping
So incredibly loud
Panic and pain, shame
I'm too young to die
On this foreign land
Barely old enough
To even be a man

Where where where
Did my dreams vanish
To vanquish, overcome
Carry my country
Bring freedom, light, right
Fighting every day
Until I'm old and grey

Spear spear spear
In my heel piercing
Now I will never see
My future children
My wife beside me
Only the cold ground
A burial shroud
Covered, hidden, unclean

Cheer cheer cheer
This valiant tale
You speak of my battle
Make me immortal
Pass my story through
Each generation
Even though I failed
Every war needs a hero

shuffle, without repeat

2008-05-06T02:20:00.002-05:00

The wind, the breeze cuts through, blows through, whips through me
Hits my face and slits my veins as I try to walk away
without thinking
As I try to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks
without blinking
without bringing up every memory of a happier day

Summer is almost here, yet the cold resounds, re-echoes my fear
Will winter ever pass? Will the chill, the frigid white snow melt
Letting daffodils fill the space, the place I continue to stay
without you
every day without you
every hour without you
The tears continue to burn my skin, drying, dripping onto my chin

I love you, yet not once did I ever voice those words since childhood
I love you, I cannot say it enough now
without sobbing
my heart throbbing
the pain robbing me from taking any action besides self-pity
Where I spend each day colorless, lifeless, hideously a zombie
Eating my own brain so the sadness will leave
Feasting on this grief

I claim I no longer care, in apathy, with despair
Afraid to lose you again by loving someone else
Replacing these images of you with his
ceasing to be able to limn your eyes
To describe how you were kind
forgetting every moment
blotting it from my mind

Now, this wind, this breeze ceases to shear my body
We walk along in tandem, companions, as I turn up my iPod to hear a song
with shuffle on
random
without repeat
Wiping, rubbing the tears from my cheek, I close my eyelids and begin to sing

White Rabbit

2008-05-03T02:16:00.009-05:00

I spied a white rabbit, pure as the snow
Running through the field
Running through the grass
Stopping a moment to lift his head into the air
Sniffing the breeze

I spied a white rabbit and loved him at once
His fur looked so soft and fluffy
He was beautiful, lovely
I wanted to pick him up
To take him home to hug

I spied a white rabbit and snuck up on him
Quietly tiptoeing without a sound
Slowly going one step at a time
So I could grab him and make him mine
Before he scooted off, terrified

I spied a white rabbit, but he didn't see me
He didn't know I even existed
He didn't suspect I was waiting nearby
To scoop him into my arms
Leaving his world far behind

I spied a white rabbit and oh how I tried
To make him my pet
To take the wild creature and tame it
When I touched his fur, though, he bit
His sharp teeth aren't nearly so cute
I guess (now he's dead), I'll be having rabbit soup

Emo

2008-05-03T00:57:00.007-05:00

No-one exists for me
No-one will ever be
Neither here nor there
Nor anywhere
For eternity

No friend holds out a hand
No woman, no man
No-one cares I'm sad
My family can't be found
They're never around

This anger is eating me alive,
Tearing me up inside
It builds, it fills my brain
I can't pass a single day
Without feeling hurt,
Betrayed

My sanity has decayed
Until my very flesh is flayed
I'm cutting into the vein
To release the pain;
So I can let go of hate,
To finally think

Verily, I must admit:
I wish I had died
That last time I tried
I wish I felt more
Than unhappy and sore

I wish I weren't so bored
Tired of endless strife
Of my entire life
Really, what should I expect?
Life to be fair? The world to be perfect?

Am I even real?
Oftentimes, I can't feel a thing
You haven't ever felt the same
Yet you try to push the blame,
Ridicule and bully
Push me down

At this point, I've had enough
Enough of you, enough of me
Enough of being, yet never being free
Enough of people pretending
They understand who I really am
People who won't help,
Who say I shouldn't be sad

But I am sad
What choice do I have?

These scissors are rough
Not as sharp as a razor blade
Now, I just want to collect
Enough blood in this sink
To drain the evils
To flee--a small reprieve
From being me

Rather than to scream or shout
Or gouge my eyes wildly out
I want another route
I'd happily follow any other path,
I'd select any place but here
I'd pick any feelings
Anything but anger and fear

I just can't connect
While I keep feeling sick
Why do I bother to explain
You don't care or feel my pain,
So I'm giving up caring as well
About myself

No-one is here for me
No-one shall ever be
Anywhere at all
I am alone
For eternity

The Riddle

2008-04-30T03:43:00.002-05:00

I am the day and the night
The dark and the light
The virgin queen
Perverse and obscene
Real but a dream

I am the pale moon shining down
Into your soul as you drown
With secrets you can never know
Whispered, inaudible
Quick, merciful and cold

I am the shade under the tree
As you rest your head to sleep
Moving with the breeze to hide
Cowardly leaving you behind
To be burnt and fried

I am empty yet I have all
Beautiful, divine, terrible
A vision incomplete
I cannot be seen
Unless you truly believe

I am gold and dust
Pure, worthless, unloved
Without your love

I won't ask for anything
Other than everything
Until you have nothing

I hold your birth and life
I pick when you will die
I stand outside of time

Who am I?

Bound

2008-04-21T01:26:00.002-05:00

Someday, someday
In muted yellow and grey
I will lay down to die
Bound by the earth
Bound by the sky

One day, one day
My body will be free from pain
I shall leave it behind
Out from the ground
Out I will fly

Today, today
The time passes as I wait
Torn, sodden, and half-blind
I long to go
Yet, I want to be alive

cold embrace

2008-04-17T22:26:00.001-05:00

I embrace these sweet patterns
arise from cold cold embers
to inhale swift pains in Hell

his designs
burnt into my eyes
silent orbs
inducing
reducing
seducing
depth

blush flushed and forced
piercing through the flesh
words barely read instead
in eulogy a voice low and hoarse
prior to my burial march

hearing the cries echo
searing into dull aches
when all is empty and without taste
"Such a waste" repeated
until it has no meaning
only shame

draped in black within a hearse
the line steady
irreversible without rehearsal
my parents trailing
plodding ahead
old age outliving youth

in my coffin
somehow lips and cheeks still vigorous red
amidst the blue blue skin
lids forced open

jasmine and incense
impart traces of stranger scents
from a mortician's embalming fluids
set beside the pallor of death

the last scoop of earth
shoved onto this berth
the final resting place
but not my end

here I live
but not in peace

here I lie
yet I did not die

here I smile
with a smile that doesn't reach my eyes
painted onto curled ruby lips
muted and terrible
despised

my Demon

2008-04-17T22:00:00.003-05:00

a demon lives in me
silently bleeding
unfeeling, unseen
broodingly dark
never free
never leaving

there is a demon
who fills my heart
takes all my energy
tears me apart
until I'm stark
yet unclean

this demon picks my bones
gnawing me down, empty
never alone from the cries
yet alone all the time
frighted and blighted
terrified

Damn you, Demon, be gone!
What did I do so wrong?
To have you by my side
To listen to you
In my mind
Whispering words unkind

Demon, you are blind
You need my body to thrive
You need me but I
Do not need you
Once I'm dead,
What will you do?

Let me turn out the light
Snuff the candle wick
Flick off the switch
On all that's sick
No, it's not another trick
So go back to Hell,
You Bitch

zombie

2008-03-28T01:26:00.006-05:00

shooting, shrieking stars of suffering
anguish amidst our angst
we angry apparitions who dance
moving in misery
mercurial motions of the zombie mob
present yet history
rotting and robbed

cohesive absent cognizant thought
crazed easily by carnal delights
fleshy flights of fancy
enthralled, entranced, endless
such frenzied fantasies glut our corrupt minds
while trace memories attract us
with the artifacts of life

plummeting into a bottomless pit
bound by ethereal, eternal night
smiling still as we slide and swirl
hungering for our humanity
incomplete, needing, greeding
feeding
never full

Letting Go of My Heart

2008-03-21T03:21:00.010-05:00

i

Bright, filling up the night
No clouds obstructing the light
No colors taking away
By the blueness of the day

Slowly charting across the sky
The moon rises to an apex
In glimmering, majestic height
Offering the only way

These shadows that surround
Which once I feared to walk through,
Or to leave their midst
Rather to drown, comforted in death

Even a bit of light fills my emptiness
Wiping away the dark
Just as a fire started by a single spark
Drives off the cold

ii

So, I must leave my soul to seek you
Push my thoughts aside
As I embrace the divine
I become complete

When I abandon all belief
When I allow compassion to be my guide
The golden rule will shine
And my enemy is my own reflection

Yet, I am not wise enough to leave
My vision is not strong enough
I cannot see to follow
But if we join together
When we walk together, we both become better

So if I fall or you stumble
Our hands would hold fast
In good times, in bad
Not clutching the past
Until the last

iii

For my entire life, I was outside
Yet still stuck inside my mind
Ego, cynical, a black hole
Waiting to be filled with earth
In the grave since birth

Always using clever words to hurt
One with the dark
Hiding from the blinding sun
Closing my eyes

Silver moon, your rays are softer
Less harsh than those of day
Your gentle shafts shimmer
To brush away these shades
Opening up my sight

You have shown me your beauty and your light
Wherein the sharp sadness was stealing
Whilst revealing I existed as just a specter
A spectator who floated about
Without the touch of your purest love

My heart is no longer broken
I let it go and you healed
Thank you, God, for giving me a chance
Real at last, I am no longer a ghost
Finally, I can feel

Partner Soul

2008-03-15T01:26:00.001-05:00

I wonder why I should bother to care
I look inside me and nothing is there
I want to die but hope remains
I want to live without these invisible chains
that restrain

I used to believe I would find my love
A man to accept me, the only one
So perfect, true, idealized
Finally, I grew up and then I realized
the lie

I am meant to be alone for all time
Fantasizing a touch which is not mine
Stroking his hair, while parted lips
Breathlessly slip into his soft, gentle kiss
with bliss

Oh, heavenly glow when two parts become whole
When hearts combine to find a partner soul
When colors burst into a rainbow of heat
Two heart rhythms sharing a single beat

A vision seductive, maddeningly so
Pushing and pulling my thoughts to and fro
Adrift in a sea of painful needs and wants
Where the man of my dreams beckons and taunts

So, why won't I accept just anyone?
Why am I picky, expecting too much?
I simply want to find this man
My love, my one true companion
my equal

Responsibility

2008-03-09T16:04:00.003-05:00

I've destroyed your joy, your happiness
Cut you into pieces with bits of glass
I never realized the power I had
To tear you up and make you feel sad
Every tear that falls as you cry, as you bawl
It's all my fault

I've destroyed your entire life, your pride
When I made you my embittered wife
Took away every shred of decency
Snatched away your morals and beliefs
Left you tossed about in a sea of doubts
Threw you out to sink

I've brought you to the brink gasping for air
Without anyone who even cared
Without a friend to hold your hand
No-one to bring you safely back to land
Then when you did come back to earth
I let you die of thirst
In a thankless desert

I wonder why I've been so mean
Why haven't I seen what you've seen?
I can't visualize this monster you describe
The reflection of me in your beautiful eyes
The man who you blame for each and every thing
Even the cheapness of your blessed wedding ring

I wish I had known I was such scum
Now, I do, so really--thank you
For letting me know I'm an unfeeling asshole
Oh yes, I'll leave you alone
Continue to rant; scream all you can
Keep up your childish act

I hope you realize as much as you despise
To accept anything real in your life
That you won't get what you want anymore
I am throwing you back to that lonely shore,
My hands won't pull you back from the edge
Go ahead, jump off that ledge
To find your happiness, peace

As for me, I'm going to leave

This is part I of a poem with the man's voice on the relationship. The second part will be the woman's voice on it. I haven't finished her part yet.

Parting the Cracked Glass

2008-03-07T09:08:00.001-06:00

Mirror mirror on this wall
I can't seem to find my face
Am I lucid? Awake?
Why do I disintegrate
When I touch the silver surface
Slither through, slip into
The other side

So cold within
I know I've died, yet here
Is where I remain
Why don't I disappear?
Not even my despair
Can repair my disgrace
Nothing can start this lifeless heart
Nor replace the lives I must take
The innocent blood I taste
Each day

I trace
My finger along the cracked glass
Thinking back to when
A simple cut, a slash
On my skin would make me cringe
The very sight of blood
I would turn away
Now, the very nourishment
I crave
Without it I go insane

Everything was about me
Never considered another
No true friend nor lover
Any tears I cried were for me
Fixated on my pain

To be or not to be
Without meaning for me
If I must endure
Without living, without seeing
Never believing, always deceiving

Narcissism, sin, self-loathing my skin
A wolf wearing a wolf's clothing
Never pretending to care
While pretending I was someone
Deeper
But no content fills the hole
The void only empty, bleak
Without dreams, leaving nothing
As I am no-one at all

So mirror mirror on the wall
What is the point of being beautiful
When I can't even see my face
I can't reason
Can't think; can't float away
Only able to slide into you
To take others through
Then when I do, I seal
Their doom

The Box

2008-03-06T23:36:00.002-06:00

Saturate, separate
Ideas and thoughts pieces to the clandestine key
Words that alienate
Not designed to instigate
Not written to please

Is it a crime to be blunt outside?
Ripping, tearing at the cracks
Existing without color inside
Immersed in blacks

Stuff us in this little box
Because we won't sing along
We'll never belong

We look out from a place you can't see
No-one here for company
But the shadows and sadness with us
Waiting to be freed

Are we the light when all is gone
The faith that right can become wrong
An onyx flame engulfing all
As a song trumpets a battle call
Leading to the fall

Are we the ones you want to fear
What makes us something to hate
Open up the box
To quickly peer inside
Releasing those within who hide:
Death, hope and disease

This uses the lyrics' syllable pattern for "The Leaving Song" although I've made line breaks differently than many might for the song stanzas. I did take creative license and repeated the syllables for the second stanza to add a fourth one with those same number, which technically the song didn't repeat that stanza haha.

Also, the second to last line in the poem is one syllable over as I couldn't get it to work with seven so ended up with eight instead.

The Salmon

2008-03-03T19:27:00.003-06:00

Born at the beginning of time
After the tree of life formed
Below water dripped and poured
Forming a well where hazel acorns fell
A salmon ate those seeds until he knew
Everything that's good and true
All the evil and vile strife
Forged from the infinity of life

Thus, he awaits in soft sunlight
By the blackened pool of night
In balmy days with sky blue
When storms strike, it is here he stays for you
Wading within the well in water still
Almost like he's pining for
A lover he once adored
Longing to see your face before he died

He knows your name and what you seek
He knows the path is long and bleak
He knows the stars guide you at night
He knows you are good, just and right

He knows that some will block your way
He knows some will force you to slay
He knows you are the one to free
The world from pain, death, and disease

So now you have come, simple one
He would shout out in high joy
But for the saddest of news
You must dine on freshly caught fish tonight
By the flicker and flames of soft firelight
By this blackened pool and well
His trap of infernal hell
You must eat his delicate flesh
To finally receive your wish

The Morning After

2008-02-24T00:11:00.008-06:00

To understand this poem, you'd likely want to read Section 3 for my vampire novel. This is going to be the beginning of Section 4 for it.

sun streaming through this open window
with the light hurting such tender eyes
weak from pains I can't even describe
I heave myself out of bed and go
to pull the shade

squinting, I jerk the window blind down
when my bared right arm swims into view
stains cover it in assorted hue
some are dark, almost black; others brown
dried; some spots fade

frozen in my tracks, let me think back
where was I last night? I can't recall
damn this dull ache throbbing in my skull
blotting out all faculty to grasp
a simple thought

pivot to return to my soft bed
where I can close these lids, rest some more
likely another stupid dream...sure
makes a great deal more sense to my head
than all of this

the weird scene before my eyes surprise
can't begin to detail what they meet
what they see, shock won't even compete
the floor, walls, sheets...nothing could describe
let me go blind

now, I remember, I realize
what occurred from the previous night
now, one thought pervades and stays this time
swirling, sickening inside my mind:
I wish that I
had died instead

Damned for Eternity--3 The Wind and I

2008-02-22T21:40:00.008-06:00

I've been putting off writing this chapter for a long time because I knew what was coming. Some recent poems I've written in the past month or so were even to map the scene out for me in some ways. Sorry if this disturbs anyone. I'm giving a warning on content yet again. Note we will only get in flashbacks later on what the story character and the priest discussed in Chapter 2. That scene itself is omitted.

Prior Chapters:
Part 1 - The First Sign
Part 2 - Swirling into Darkness

3 - The Wind and I

Leaves shuffle along the sidewalk, pushing in front of me as I hurry along out of church. The bitter wind is ripping at my exposed face and hands. I push my hands into my jacket and try to scrunch my chin further into the top of the zipper, mulling over my conversation with the priest. I feel nauseous with myself after going there, the whole series of events eating at me. Actually, I've barely been eating for that matter. Possibly my entire recent decline in mental health is simply due to starvation and poor sleep. I would love to believe that is the case so that I could feel better about my sanity. I am extremely tired physically and spiritually, yet church didn't improve my spiritual outlook as I'd planned. Why did I think it would honestly?

Biting my lower lip like usual when I'm concentrating on some idea, my teeth cut into the dried, cracked surface and draw blood. The stab of pain stops me for a moment. A trickle of blood runs down my chin, warming it. "Of course, nothing in my pocket to wipe it. Damn it," I mutter. I use my right hand to wipe away the substance, then hold my left jacket cuff onto the wound, hoping it will quit bleeding soon. Glimpsing at my surroundings, I observe that I happen to be at the park four to five blocks from home. I walk over to the familiar merry-go-round, then rest on it, releasing a long pent up sigh. Funny, I remember playing on this when I was a kid, although it seems an eternity ago.

I'm so tired, drained of life. This whole situation has me down. My eyelids start to waver, wanting to close. I just do not have the energy to fight it anymore. 'Let the nightmares come tonight. I'm going to take a nap here in the playground where I spent my childhood whether the demons like it or not,' I think to myself. My mind starts shutting down, so drowsy, so very drowsy, so very sleepy...

And then, I'm floating on the chill wind, but I'm not cold anymore. I can't see anything, but the wind and I are one, basking in the freedom to move anywhere. We spin and spiral as we push through the air, no longer bound to the burdens of the flesh. Suddenly, I feel something pull me back. I try to break free, but it won't let go.

I open my eyes. I'm on my right side laying down on the merry-go-round, while a little girl with long, dusky and straggly hair is peering down at me. She has her right hand on my burgundy jacket cuff, tugging on it. "Are you okay?" she asks in a tiny, concerned voice. I am not even sure how old she happens to be. She could be eight or twelve for all I know. I'm no good with figuring out a kid's age. I don't even really feeling overly awake at this moment as my thoughts try to arrange themselves into some semblance of coherency. A trace of anger from being awakened from the wonderful dream is building up inside of me as well.

She's dressed poorly and not very warmly at that, shivering too. Sitting up, I take off my jacket, "Here honey, you look cold. Take my jacket." She doesn't seem to understand, so I stand up and try to put it on her, but now she's starting to act scared.

Not wanting to be pushy, I reason with her, although she's making me angrier with her weird demeanor, "Hey, I'm not trying to hurt you kid. Just, you look like you need it more than I do." Blinking, she backs away from me. I step forward and hold her shoulders when I notice the beating of her heart, very loud, so loud that I can hear it pumping for each beat. As I inspect her more closely, my eyes can trace the blue veins along her pale skin.

Yeah, I know I'm scaring the hell out of her, but as she struggles to break free, I hold onto her more and more tightly. Listening to her racing heart and feeling a heady fright rushing from her begin to heighten a strange sensation within me--stranger than the loathing sensation in church when I approached the communion altar, stranger than the horrid nightmares, stranger even than that drunken winter night when all the strangeness seemed to have started--I am hungry.

I smile sweetly at the girl, trying to calm her, "It's going to be okay. I am not going to hurt you." I'm not even sure what prompts these words as I suddenly sound so calm and sincere. The girl's eyes glaze over a little. She quits fighting just a bit.

I touch my lip with my right index finger, releasing her left shoulder. I've bitten my lower lip again. Soft, hot blood is flowing down my chin like a burning candle melting wax. Broadening my smile to show just a hint of my teeth, I put the tip of my finger to my tongue to taste the blood, then I clasp the girl's small, left hand and bring it up to my lip. "I cut myself see. I was resting cause I hurt my lip and got tired."

Nodding, the girl just gazes at me almost blankly, a beautiful, porcelain doll. I kiss her hand and smile widely, showing two rows of pointed, gleaming teeth. Her expression doesn't change as I take her wrist to feel the beating of her pulse against my cool cheek. The beats are still so fast when I turn the delicate pulse toward my mouth to bite into it. Her dark eyes widen, while her throat gurgles, but no sound is released. I drink thirstily from her wrist in waves gulping down the blood until she's empty. I let her fall down onto the dying, brown grass, muted in the semi-darkness of the evening.

I walk back to the merry-go-round to lie down. Closing my eyes again, I feel myself fall into the wind.

Cut Me Up

2008-02-16T01:51:00.004-06:00

I've given up on you for all time
Your little group--you and your friends
I don't belong; I don't fit in

I've given up on being the one
Who another person could love
I'm never right; I live in night

I've given every thought and each dream
Wasted on hopes I will not see
I can't survive; I can't believe

I've given every feeling for bliss
Loving you, needing your kiss
I'll not get it; I long to scream

I've given, given with only pain
Vainly returned just to be hurt
I want to hate; I want to curse

I've given myself to this despair
Go, I really no longer care
I feel nothing; I've gone insane

You've taken and taken, then you leave
Forsaken, you hope I'll disappear
I was miserable with you here

I'm still alive somehow, not dead yet
I won't cry now, you don't deserve it
I won't ever let you see me grieve
I will never let you see me bleed

Below the Cellar

2008-02-12T02:07:00.000-06:00

I managed to create what's called a sestina other than fathom changing in two instances to fathoms and fathomless. Now, this might be a bit scarier than normal (or maybe I'm wrong there, seems scarier to me haha). I'm trying to descend into the darkest place with these recent poems to see how frightening I can get with them. You are warned, so proceed with caution if you don't like horror.

Rushing water pours into cloth, then slowly trickles
Down it drops--plop, plop into the opening below
Ruddy, dank with foul odors to depths without fathom
Falling, spiraling globular sprinkles, one by one
Finally reach the bottom where they puddle luminous
In this deepest, darkest recess beneath the cellar

A shaft of light appears above, up in the cellar
When a door opens with a heavy clang--sound trickles,
Awakening the creature whose eyes, luminous,
Open in the chilled and forsaken space here below
Small pearls of sound beyond herself from any other one
Welcomed; cries of anguish stifle thoughts she can't fathom

Her delicate visage holds beauty with no fathom
Most would gasp in shock to see her below the cellar
Cowering on the floor, shivering, ravenous one
Denied food for so long, the hunger in waves trickles,
Flitting through her brain pushing everything else below
Transformed from strong to weak, yet still cruel and luminous

Long, red hair spills along her pale body, luminous
Even in dread night, no soul could resist nor fathom
Keeping her here, imprisoned, cageless yet caged below
She feels anger swell within her under this cellar
No thirst for any of these brackish, curdled trickles
This liquid that barely sustains or keeps alive one

Her fingers dig into damp soil, earth, the very one
Where she was buried long ago, so pure, luminous
Before her fall from grace from that wound where blood trickles,
Coagulates and stops the heart, yet springs forth fathoms
Desire to live again; now stuck beneath this cellar,
While this craving won't go--never can she rest below

She howls and writhes, pounds her fists into the ground below
Her hands evince numerous cuts, which heal one by one
She would crawl along these walls up into the cellar:
Drink blood; decapitate her captors, while luminous,
Cold eyes take in mute cries, deeply savor, fathomless;
Watch them slowly die, while on her mouth their blood trickles

Each day she plots revenge
When church organ music
Wafts down into her lair

An Offering

2008-02-11T00:47:00.001-06:00

Can I buy your soul since I don't have my own?
I don't want your flesh or your touch
Not even your love
You won't miss it much until you've grown old
Oh, you won't even care once it's gone

I can bring you luck, success
With such divine happiness
Glorious lights shining down
Bask as golden chimes ring out

I can bring darkness on those you hate
Make their fates worse than death
Punish them all as they cry to be saved
Take away their hopes; leave them blessed
With the blight of my chilled caress

I can leave you until the end
So you don't remember, my friend
Ignorance would truly be bliss
Until that final, fateful kiss
Oh yes, I'm sure that I would not be missed

Make up your mind soon
This offer will close
I don't make it to the old
Only those young enough
Who can give me what I want

Your soul is still so bright
A little bit of light
Left for me to savor
Innocently flavor

Don't wait too long
Your future could be grand
Untarnished
Here before the wave of my hand
For the price of a song

Remember, you own your soul
Nothing wrong, just let it go
No-one but you and I here
No need for dread or fear
Really, no-one else will ever know

[short story] The Grave - Part I

2008-02-03T12:33:00.001-06:00

Pale, the sun rises into the foggy morn, a dull lemony color barely peeking out over the horizon. The old woman, familiar with many a chilly springtime dawning, puts on her light grey jacket and a fuzzy pair of black knitted mittens, then steps out into the dampened air. Her breath exhales in puffs, although the temperature today feels warmer than it has for months. This is her ritual: Every day for the past 30 years, the woman has walked from her home to downtown and back for her exercise regime. While she travels more slowly now than in younger days due to some mild arthritis, the three mile jaunt helps awaken her and keeps her in decent shape.

The cracks on the sidewalk are old friends as she starts trudging along her regular path. The trees to the right no longer wear blankets of snow or frost, showing signs of some early growth with small buds at the tips of their branches. She smiles at the thought of the tulips popping up soon. She loves the small town's mid-May festival for these beautiful flowers where families from all over the state come to visit. She feels obligated to support her heritage and hasn't missed one of the Tulip Time Days since childhood. During the festivities, she'll even partake in some of the Dutch letters and chocolate pastries despite typically avoiding such delicacies the rest of the year.

Turning to her right, she then crosses over to the left-hand side of the street. The houses begin to show signs of apartment complexes and historical buildings as she nears downtown. All of the tidy yards are peaceful and quiet, no-one else having stirred on this sleepy Sunday morning. On her left, she notices where some construction has been going on for what seems like ages behind the wrought iron fence of one of the white plaster historical complexes. Unlike most days, however, there are two workmen digging with shovels.

Amazed any soul would be digging by hand this early with the ground still so firm and frozen, she squints to look at the scene more closely. Pausing for a moment several feet away from them, she hears the men grunting, while sweat is pouring down their mud-caked faces. Both are dressed in blue-grey denim overalls with thick, light grey sweaters and no jacket. Immune to her observations, they continue to hack into the cold earth and scoop out its contents.

Readying to continue back on her walk, she spots a large-sized wrapped package directly above the hole where they are digging. The dirt is being channeled on the other side of the parcel as they avoid building a pile on top of it.

One of the men stops and says something low to his partner. The woman isn't able to catch the precise words other than what sounds like "seems good." The other man grunts and stops as well. Both throw their shovels up onto the pile of dirt, then heave themselves out of the hole. Standing on either side of the badly wrapped package, they begin to lift it when one of the men looks up for a second. Catching her eye, he stops and blinks at her. She starts to wave and then her arm freezes in mid-air as another far less cheerful arm drops out of the wrapping they are clutching. Stiff, the arm is nude and bluish with crisscrossed cuts traversing the surface. Stunned, the woman and the man just stare at each other for several moments.

The other man appears oblivious, trying to move his side of the body into the opened ground. After getting no help from his cohort, he mutters grimly, "What's up Derek? Why ain't you helpin' with this fucking bitch?" Derek shifts his gaze back to the man and hisses, "We have company, dumbass," then he bends down to lay down the load and points her way. Confused, the other man just looks dumbly in her direction.

She ceases breathing from the terror that is filling up her mind like a dense, thick fog of dark malevolence making it impossible to move. She opens her mouth to scream, but only a raspy death-like rattle emits from it. Leering, the first man, who is called Derek and who appears to be the leader of the two, dusts off the dirt from his clothing, wipes his hands on his pants slowly, seemingly to enjoy these unhurried movements. He begins to saunter toward her.

"Hey, Vincent, get my shovel while you are at it," the man calls back as he halts for an instant. Just about eight paces from each other now, she takes in the man's appearance. Very attractive, he has dark hair and intense grey-blue eyes. He could likely pass for late 20s but is probably in his mid-30s with some fine lines etching around the eyes. He sports a few day's worth of stubble on his squared jaw. Still smiling with a maddening confidence and arrogance emanating amidst the utter evil flowing deep within the cold eyes, he jovially states, "I'm going to enjoy hacking you up into little bits and pissing on your corpse." These words catch into the fresh air, far warmer than when her journey began in what feels like an eternity ago.

His partner says something she isn't able to hear again, and the man turns to look at him. Finally, her body cooperates with her as she proceeds toward downtown, slowly at first, then faster and faster. She knows the men might take a few seconds to realize she's trying to escape, but they are far younger and nimbler, so she has no chance to possibly outrun them.

Flesh and Blood

2008-01-31T03:56:00.000-06:00

I'm not exactly happy with this poem. I didn't feel inspired to finish it when I started it a few days ago and wasn't sure where to go with it. Since I'm tired trying to figure out where to go, I just forced it to be finished tonight. It's based on the lyric syllable pattern for "Silver and Cold" by AFI and not nearly as beautiful as that song happens to be.

Sublime droplets of rain
Drizzle dewy freshness sink
Into the opened skin, then drain
Within the hollow of my being
My eyes wide, unseeing
Hushed before daylight's bitter decay

These sins are too great
No, never forgiven
These sins are too great
To comprehend this living,
Continue onward anymore:
Heartless, shadow, empty core

Heavy water pours
Through--fill up the soul
From their love, angels sob

A vessel, clay and shallow
Created to hold nourishment
Cracks beyond the surface; leaking out
Discolored, silvery substances
Warp and weaken the body
Sliding it slowly into damp ground

These sins are too harsh
To bear, remember...despair
These sins are too harsh
My heart, trying never to care,
Beating as the blood flows out
Silent screams echo and shout

Dear God, lead me not
Into temptation

Forgive me all
Each, every blasphemy
Forgive this life
Wrapped in cold, watery deceit
Forgive, forget
Take these memories, debts,
Regrets--leave me
Take all my pain away
Tear and rip; strip these clean
Every impure thought, obscene

Day passing away
So beautiful, so vague
Day passing away
Light phasing out between the lines
One second, forms bright, glimmer
Shudder then recover, shine

Now, suddenly blind
Without sight or mind

Falling into night
Magnificent in shadows
Falling into night
No voices crying now, silent
No prayers are forming now
No savior left to avow

My sins into me
My sins are me
My sins out of me
So all can be seen:
No longer hidden inside

Moonlight Kite

2008-01-23T21:37:00.003-06:00

I run with the kite in the field
All the stars shining brightly
The clear, moon-filled sky's expanse stretches wide
String trailing behind me

The kite lifts as I tug and pull
A sharp jerk, I don't let it go
Now, it's soaring high

I let out more cord as it sails
Above the ground, a sky ship
Colorful in day, by night delicate
Muted greys swerve and dip

Yellow tails flutter from the bow
As I slowly release more rope
How far can it fly?

Morning star on the horizon
Near where the sun will be rising
Dawn will soon arrive

I remove small silver scissors
Which glint in the twilight
Setting the spool of coil onto the ground
I look at the kite
Kneeling down on my knees
I snip the rope and release

"Lord, send my prayers to him please"

The kite, now free, rushes away
My letter tied up with it sways
With all of my hopes

Every single word I could say
I lay my head down on cool grass
To find peace at last

Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind

2008-01-23T01:10:00.007-06:00

This entry is about the book I am planning to self-publish within the next year. The title will be Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind, because I love the paradoxical nature of lucidity stemming from insanity.

The book is going to be 5 sections with 15 poems each, 5 interlude poems and 1 final poem, totaling 81 poems (9 is my favorite number, 8 + 1 = 9, so cool beans). I now have 67 poems for it, so I have 14 poems remaining to write to complete it. Woohoo!

Here is my proposed outline for this book as it stands now:

**Dulcet Tones** [Part One]
Clear and Sweet
The sun is brightly shining overhead as we bask in its warmth.

# Bask in Your Light
# Dreaming
# Hear My Heart
# Meant To Be

Interlude I
Late afternoon filters the air with a lazy tone, and we slip into a short, lighthearted break.

# I Wish I Could

Pangs
Slowly sinking on the horizon, the sun washes everything in soft pastels.

# My True Heart
# Glances
# Forever
# Strangers in the Day
# If I Love You
# Letting Go of My Heart
# Bathed in Blue

Interlude II
Grays and darker entities become more pronounced--let's transition to this brightly colored interval before dim night approaches.

# Ophir

Torn Apart
The sun is gone from the sky. A feeble moon shines down a spectral light.

# Shards in the Moonlight
# frozen statues
# Moonlight Kite
# The Arrival of Winter
# Cut Me Up
# Responsibility
# Partner Soul
# Emo

Interlude III
Night is muted and filled with vague shapes, far darker than the dreamscape in this next quick intermission.

# A Strange Celebration

**Cries of the Lost** [Part Two]
Unbalanced
The moon is fading and will soon be covered with clouds. Eeries noises punctuated with occasional muffled cries pierce our senses.

# The Seeds of Wisdom
# A Wandering Spirit
# The Playground
# Part of Me
# Who I Am
# Wasting Away
# The Whirlwind
# A melancholic tune
# Standing by the Gate
# The Damaged Soul
# Baby
# shuffle, without repeat
# The Box
# The Riddle
# White Rabbit

Interlude IV
Deep night is empty and cold. We shiver without covering when we take another fast hiatus.

# disconnect

Final Passage
This darkest hour is suffused by the ponderous weight of ominous shadow and dread fright.

# Periphery
# song of the journey's end
# The Shadow's Deep
# The Salmon
# The Starting Tale
# The Damned
# The Vampire's Lament
# Flesh and Blood
# Below the Cellar
# The Morning After
# An Offering
# my Demon
# Parting the Cracked Glass
# cold embrace
# indigo petals
# zombie

Interlude V
From despair, we recess into random thoughts before the finale.

# streaming

**Morning Returns** [Epilogue]
The sun's rays peek out onto the horizon again, gradually rising for a new day.

# Dark to Light

Baby

2008-01-22T21:56:00.001-06:00

You were my baby
Tiny tabby cat
You were so dainty
Sitting on my lap

You followed me around
Grey inquisitive eyes
Slept gently beside me
In my bed every night

I held you tight
I couldn't let you go
You never got any bigger
Why didn't you grow

The vet said your heart
It wasn't strong enough
I heard it beating
While my own heart was bleeding

You died in that cold office
Only three months old
You were my baby
The sweetest cat I have known

The Starting Tale

2008-01-22T19:55:00.000-06:00

Hear me out

This story starts long, long ago
When men roamed the earth on foot
Crossed seas with boats made of wood
Prayed to their gods for strong crops

A woman, lively and fair,
Combing her hair absently,
Into the courtyard lightly
Stepped without a thought or care

Wanton eyes her beauty spied
Dreadful blight inside this mind
No other maid could he find
Nor a more lush, ethereal bride

Hear my tale

Obsession spurs his action
He delights her with magic
Showing her card tricks, tragic
Plying her simple senses

Naive, sweet--a finer man
She had yet to ever meet
She bows, takes his hand to greet
Unrolls the glove on her hand

Kissing her pale skin, he smiles
Leads her dreamy, dazed, astray
Away from prying eyes, betrays
His guile succeeds;
Her throat bleeds

Hear her die

This is going to be part of the poems for my "Damned for Eternity" vampire novella, which I should put onto the site tomorrow for the first 2 chapters finally finally. I didn't want to post the comment before the poem as, if I did, the poem's ending would be guessed pretty easily. I think after all that joy from my prior poem today (the "Bask in Your Light" one), I felt a need to slip back into the deepest recesses to make up for it ;)

Bask in Your Light

2008-01-22T15:41:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I just wrote this to prove (to me) that I can force myself to write a happy poem. This is happy, no doubt about it. It didn't even take that long to write (about 10 minutes).

Golden hair, golden eyes
The happiest day of my life
The day you were born to me
The brightest flame I've ever seen

Your skin so soft; your breath so sweet
You place kisses onto my cheeks
Cuddle and sleep, hugging me tight
Dream with a smile through the night

Dark is not dark when you are here
Light is the brightest: I have no fear
I can't wait for every day
Watching you as you play

We dance and sing, run free
Picking dandelions with glee
Blowing the seeds out into the air
While pink ribbons float from your hair

I realize someday you will grow
Yes, I'll have to let you go
Until then, I bask in your light
Where all is good and right

Part of Me

2008-01-22T02:32:00.000-06:00

Having some more fun using a song's lyrics syllable pattern here other than the very last line where I had to go 5 syllables rather than 6. I'm so mean as I have no intention to say what song either. If you guess it, I'll write a poem just for you, though, how about that? Not sure that's such a great prize haha

The children are jumping rope here
Each skip on the sidewalk a heartbeat
A small girl drawing lines in chalk
Others play hide and seek

Soon our recess will be over
The bell will ring, we'll go back in
For another lesson to learn
We'll dream at the window
For summer's return

Time suspends in this instant
The loss of the innocent
A child falls down and gasps
The rest crowd around to stare
Teachers unaware
"Are you okay, what's the matter?"
Pale, the boy's hand grasps mine

I peer into his sad blue eyes
Confused, I don't understand in time
Silently I simply stand, see
Watch it all; part of me
Never to forget

Time must move onward, forward
Toward the mundane and plain
Memories in childhood
Bitter splashes on each page
So part of us all
Such pains in our past we recall
We grow up this way

The Arrival of Winter

2008-01-19T19:03:00.001-06:00

I have a vampire story that I'm supposed to be working on today, but it's obvious I must not want to do that since I keep writing poems instead. Here's a new one that's damn depressing. I'm not depressed, though, so go me.

Wandering, fading away
Leaves flutter and fly
The tree is broken, decayed
While this chill wind dies

I place myself on the ground
Resting these grave limbs
My thoughts in tumult, unsound
With images of him

He will not know, my chance lost,
My chance to say gone
My breath shivers, puffs of frost
Release a sad song

Wounded in my pride
Why do I always hide
Cover feelings with a smile
Pretending I'm fine for awhile

When will the mask slip
The walls crumble and rip
The emotions out, released
The despised lies finally cease

I am so tired on this earth
So frozen, so sad
Unsure what this life is worth
What joy can be had

I would leave here, get away
Yet nothing would change
Inside of me all is gray
Bitter, jaded, aged

Just a dead tree without leaves
I'm starkly outlined
I stay here until I freeze
When snow blankets me

List of Poems by Date

2008-01-19T13:56:00.008-06:00

This list is for me to track my poetry historically easier. I wrote many poems that I've lost from high school or that I have but they are dreadful, so they do not make the list. I'm not going to go back and date each of my poems on here individually, since my mind likes it better to see a list like this than any other way. My goal to see these is for when I self-publish on Lulu later this year for a book I'm going to entitle Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind.

1987-89 (in high school)
# A Wandering Spirit - circa 1987, first poem ever written
# Glances - circa 1989
# Forever - circa 1989

1991 (in college)
# Shards in the Moonlight - circa 1991
# The Seeds of Wisdom - circa 1991, last poem written until 2001/2002, worked on Endar series instead during this timeframe

2001 (worked in insurance company at the time)
# The Shadow's Deep - originally circa 1991, revised 2001

2002 (same job as prior year)
# The Whirlwind - 2002 Oct 22

2003 (working at webhosting company in support)
# growing - 2003 May (not yet on blog)

2005 (promoted in same company to sysadmin; start Anything & Everything Writing Forum)
# A melancholic tune - 2005 Feb 25
# Ophir - 2005 Apr 1
# Hear My Heart - 2005 Sept 3
# Wasting Away - 2005 Nov 28

2006 (promoted in same company to sysadmin supervisor)
# Meant To Be - 2006 Jan 21
# My True Heart - 2006 Jun 10
# song of the journey's end - 2006 Jul 10
# Who I Am - 2006 Jul 18
# Periphery - 2006 Aug 26
# Standing by the Gate - 2006 Oct 28

2007 (promoted in same company to sysadmin manager of training)
# Strangers in the Day - 2007 Jan 6
# I Wish I Could - 2007 Feb 6
# The Damaged Soul - 2007 Feb 6
# A Strange Celebration - 2007 Feb 17
# If I Love You - 2007 Jun 27
-- 2007 Nov AFI becomes favorite new group (never heard of them before this time, any poetic influences would start from this date) --
# Dreaming - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
# The Vampire's Lament - 2007 Nov 11 (first half of poem was written in 2007 June)
# frozen statues - 2007 Dec 17
# The Damned - 2007 Dec 22
# disconnect - 2007 Dec 24
# The Festival of Lights - 2007 Dec 25

2008 (same job as prior year)
# Bathed in Blue - 2008 Jan 7
# Dark to Light - 2008 Jan 9
# indigo petals - 2008 Jan 13
# The Playground - 2008 Jan 16
# streaming - 2008 Jan 18
# The Arrival of Winter - 2008 Jan 19
# Part of Me - 2008 Jan 22
# Bask in Your Light - 2008 Jan 22
# The Starting Tale - 2008 Jan 22
# Baby - 2008 Jan 22
# Moonlight Kite - 2008 Jan 23
# Flesh and Blood - 2008 Jan 31
# An Offering - 2008 Feb 11
# Below the Cellar - 2008 Feb 12
# Cut Me Up - 2008 Feb 16
# The Morning After - 2008 Feb 24
# The Salmon - 2008 Mar 3
# The Box - 2008 Mar 6
# Parting the Cracked Glass - 2008 Mar 7
# Responsibility - 2008 Mar 9
# Partner Soul - 2008 Mar 15
# Letting Go of My Heart - 2008 Mar 21
# zombie - 2008 Mar 28
# cold embrace - 2008 Apr 17
# my Demon - 2008 Apr 17
# Bound - 2008 Apr 21
# The Riddle - 2008 Apr 30
# Emo - 2008 May 3
# White Rabbit - 2008 May 3
# shuffle, without repeat - 2008 May 6
# Hero - 2008 May 15
# Little Yellow Ducky - 2008 May 18
# Final Credits - 2008 May 18
# Decay - 2008 May 18
# when i is lowercase - 2008 May 18
# As Any Mother Would - 2008 May 19
# Godless - 2008 May 19
# masks of water - 2008 May 20
# Love Me - 2008 May 25
# beyond me - 2008 June 2
# Emotion Whore - 2008 June 2
# Falling - 2008 June 9
# The Second Riddle - 2008 June 16
# Twilight - 2008 June 29
# The Door - 2008 July 1
# Lodging for the Night - 2008 July 11
# Awash and Aglow - 2008 July 18
# Alive - 2008 July 20
# The Great Divide - 2008 July 22
# Words - 2008 July 22

streaming

2008-01-18T16:19:00.000-06:00

This piece really was just for fun. I've been reading some stream of consciousness sites and this is my attempt to even let go a bit of the typical arrangements I do for poems. It isn't meant to be anything good (and it frankly isn't), but I wanted to see what it would be like to try to just let go of words into simplest thought patterns, so I did. I don't expect a soul to like it, so don't worry that you don't. Also, it isn't technically stream of consciousness, since it isn't full thoughts but each of these words has meaning while I was thinking of them.

lucid reality type fades day sinuous ridge matter
heart heart ropes apart art landscape gravel
dots digital pictures physical bubbles bursting upon
the screen powdery chalk davey smiling
bringing flowers ground spark mound
grass merry-go-round metal cool sun sinking
happiness joyful sun grinning
cool night sky moonlight
fireflies light
goodnight

Oh, I want to mention something as to one of the words, after chalk I put davey, but that was prompted by this picture. It's a chalk picture someone is drawing that as soon as the word chalk came to mind, this image did.

You Don't Have To Be Jade To Comment on My Blog

2008-01-17T02:10:00.000-06:00

I haven't had mass comments on the blog about this (just 2 so far), but hey people I don't expect you to be Jade to comment on my blog no matter what you might have to say about the poems. I figured I'd post this blog entry before I have a slew of people letting me know they aren't Jade. I'm happy with anyone providing input, including suggestions for improvement. If you are reading this and have no idea what I'm going on about, then I'd explain it all to you, but the mysteries in life are what make it worth living.

The Playground

2008-01-16T02:40:00.000-06:00

I am using the song pattern for one of my favorite songs for this poem's syllable pattern. Best of all, I'm not even going to say what song. Enjoy!

On the playground swing, feet in the air
She's humming softly, flowing black hair
No other children play here today
Almost dark as the sky's color fades away

It's been a long day, too long, scary
No friends besides imaginary
To tell her secrets to
Why can't she just stay here forever
Floating on the wind, doing whatever
Without pain, without fear

Her head feels heavy

Singing with eyes closed, sway back, sway forth
She wants to sleep here, but can't of course
Where can she go when she can't go home
When she's sad and lonely and wholly alone

It's been the worst day of her short life
Worse than nightmares or screaming each night
What more can she do now
Who can she turn to without any friend
No-one to help her, just lies, pretend
All empty in the end

She wishes she were a princess
She wishes she were a goddess
(but she does know she can't ever be one)
She wishes she were an actress
(but she knows she won't be pretty enough)
She wishes she weren't even here

It's been a long day, too long, scary
No friends besides imaginary
Who can listen to her
Hear the thoughts she hides from the rest
Comfort with words of light, happiness
Help her create stories
Help her create stories

Help her escape

indigo petals

2008-01-13T13:48:00.000-06:00

"I'd tell you how it haunts me" (AFI, This Time Imperfect)

indigo petals
softly line these satiny walls
distant music plays

colorful daisies
gaily swinging into the breeze
so bittersweet

where are you
only friend
so very lost
come again
with me here
cold inside
come back dear

while statues sleep
in daytime shadows cutting deep
from harsh sunlight

too bright your eyes
when suddenly emptied of life
vast pools of dark

time moves on
pain remains
here I stay
to await
no one else
lonely days
in my life of hell
with no breath

sad brown robin
flies by; flowers on your coffin
a last goodbye
is this the end?

emptiness

Dark to Light

2008-01-09T07:27:00.000-06:00

In that dark place inside
Where somber shadows spy
Deep into the unknown; down a rabbit hole
Turning and twisting
Thoughts collide

Stagnant after a heavy rain
Lie dreams within your brain
Waiting to be unveiled
Instead put onto another shelf
Forgotten, sad and still
Where only dusty remnants remain

Occasionally, a soft light shines
Bringing such joy into your eyes
Illuminating the very core
I reach out for your shimmering warmth
When suddenly, you jump with me
Off this highest cliff
Battering us into a vacant shore

Each time, picking up these fragments
Leaves me bruised, battered, bent
I can't piece us back again
Nor will I pretend this is sane
Until we both disappear
Becoming specters, empty and spent

Please follow me out of eternal night
Where angels carve out our light
Away from the unknown, guiding us both home
Loving and embracing
This Life

Bathed in Blue

2008-01-07T03:24:00.000-06:00

Written after seeing Blaqk Audio perform at the Mezzanine in San Francisco for New Year's (wonderful night, although I was extremely tired by the time 12:15am rolled around).

Bathed in blue light shining
Notes drifting down
Once heavenbound
You are whispering, sighing
Deep into my soul
Touching every spot

Clear into these wanton depths
Transparent and sheer
For once, without fear
No tears, no regret
I know: I'm finally whole
Ice cold melting hot

This night cannot last forever
Like a white swan's beauty fades
Cascading in gentle resplendent waves
With the sound dying out
Until not a single beat remains
And this heart is again silent

The Festival of Lights

2007-12-25T14:13:00.000-06:00

Written for a writing forum where I'm a member, this is on the celebration of Hanukkah

We light a new candle each night
As it burns brighter than bright
In our small, cramped room
To chase away winter's gloom

This is our temple, our home
Where our children were born
We celebrate each of these 8 days
By recounting our traditions and ways

It isn't about presents or gifts
Spinning a dreidel to sneak a kiss
It's about young and old
Taking pride in what's been told

So look on the flames in our window
Symbolizing that fire within our soul
This is the oil binding us together:
We will always remember

disconnect

2007-12-24T07:34:00.000-06:00

foam hope glistening
purity ripples
forms surfacing
empty space
trickles

directionless
vessel floating
moving yet motionless
time unbalanced
growing

swing pendulum
grains, sand drop
sleek momentum
wanting inertia
stop

dualistic halves
inside the void
good and bad
darkness, light
destroyed

displaced, dependent
disappearance
uncertainty's serpent
without a clear thought
coherence

disconnected lines
words strung
together with rhymes
spiraling into
one

The Damned

2007-12-22T18:04:00.000-06:00

This haiku appears at the beginning of my "Damned for Eternity" vampire novella. I'll begin posting the first 2 chapters of the novella in a couple of days.

Draped by sheer sadness,
Eternal dead night beckon:
Light my way, Demon

Velvety, soft tears
Restraining circulation;
Pleasure that brings Pain

frozen statues

2007-12-17T10:02:00.001-06:00

shadowy figures blurring on the edge
a promise forever, a bond, a pledge
what is really meant to be or happenstance
in this world of depressed and lonely romance
where we search and search for partners for the dance

ashen outcast why do I adore you
standing in the cold amidst the frozen statues
isolated, grey and silver streaks
dead and dying, mourning, grief
colour draining as the blood slowly seeps

a poem or a song carried on the wind
within a storm of cold, soulless sin
passion burning as apathy in wane
bringing your heartless fire to wrack my brain
never hearing others, waiting for you to say my name

so here we stand apart in time
a chasm between, never meeting or mine
like a flower beneath the snow
is it dead forever, or will it soon grow?
once winter ends, will springtime show?

yes, I love you if love can exist
within a whisper of forlorn sadness
as my breath catching the breeze is hushed
cut short, a beating heart that's been crushed
which no hand had ever touched

so leave me now cruel mystery
I've been apt to think I'd found you
then divined lies, not truth
a wound spreading and deep
now, I lie broken
and weep

Inspired by the video "Love Like Winter" from AFI (for the link, select under Videos the one entitled Long Version for the best experience)

Dreaming

2007-11-11T17:50:00.000-06:00

Love is a beautiful dream
A butterfly released to alight on gossamer wings
A warm blossom unfurling petals at night
Moist dewdrops;
Golden birds in flight

Love is a beautiful dream
A reverie of what life should be
Soft sunlight drenches a sandy shore
Lapping water;
A note clear and pure

Slumber my sweet, precious one
Believe in true peace when bitterness comes
Always know hope is there
The world fades away;
Without a thought or care

Here and now not where and when
Love the life you have been given
Love those who are your friends
Create and dream in fantasy's realm
Where true genius within each of us dwells

Love is a beautiful dream
A sparkling champagne or pink lemonade
Light laughter escaping your lips
A red balloon;
Your first soft kiss

Love is a beautiful dream:
Join me there so we can both see
As we walk along that sandy shore in the moonrise
A lighthouse beacon;
Watching the world through your eyes

The Vampire's Lament

2007-11-11T09:21:00.000-06:00

Intended for my unfinished "Damned for Eternity" novella on vampires, which I haven't yet posted onto the blog.

O wanton night
A vision so sublime and sweet
The delicious aroma of spilled blood
Heady as a drug
Upon my lips
I taste

I do not fear day
Nor the sun's golden rays pouring down
Like a sea of scorching raindrops to cleanse me
It is the light
On my face
I hate

Darkness and shadow
In these I adore: I transgress deftly
Enchanting subtle steps fall on dimlit streets
Alleyways where I watch
visions of sin
I partake

Cursed, lost children
He cannot save you anymore than I
Your names were written in the Book of Death
Doomed for all time
Into the abyss
I enslave

Unclean flesh ripens
Forbidden fruits so eager to be picked
Drinking in your souls until each
Become void, empty, cold
Such a lovely vision
I behold

Empty as I Am
Garbage into a trash can
Swept away into the wastes
Beautiful bodies form a corpse's embrace
Easy to replace
I mold

Eternal night calls
Life without any life falls
Creating by destroying all
Leaving no trace of light
In death's pall

If I Love You

2007-06-27T13:31:00.000-05:00

This poem I tried to be pretty raw and to the point, which makes the poem's tone a bit more like my prose self than my poetic one.

Would you love me if I love you
Hug me if I hug you
Touch me softly on the lips
Hold my hand, then softly kiss

I have aged for eternity
Wisdom isn't the same to me
It isn't something cherished or dear
Only something that keeps me here

I would trade every single day
Of studying and learning things
Which now leave me alone
Walking pages in books I own

I don't know who I am
Nor who I should have been
I only know that I want you
Not who you are or what to do

Would you love me if I love you
While you touch me softly on the lips
And hold my hand as we kiss
Please hug me so I'll know who

A Strange Celebration

2007-02-17T14:29:00.000-06:00

Some friends on a Harry Potter forum last year asked me to create a poem to celebrate the birthday of Alan Rickman (the actor who plays Severus Snape). Here is the poem I ended up producing.

I dreamt I went mushroom hunting
I passed through the looking glass
Fell down the rabbit hole
And began to hear whispers there about the snark

I wanted to find one,
While hunting, I stumbled upon an outdoor party
With a cake light and frothy
Many unusual creatures having grand fun

The world below is strange
Colors vibrate; thoughts become real
I met a hatter--mad, deranged
He stole my heart; he made me feel

He invited me to a private tea
Even though I'm from the U.S.
Asked me to watch his billowing vestments
Left out in the breeze

He sat down and read to me
In a voice that stroked my head
Words taking flesh
Unadulterated glee

I wished I could stay
But he quickly whisked away
As he was late for a very important date
Suddenly, I was awake

All that's left now are memories
Silver images on the screen
But I can celebrate his birthday,
And he'll always be a dream

I Wish I Could

2007-02-06T13:20:00.000-06:00

I'm a Harry Potter fan and this is a poem that I had a great deal of fun doing. It's far more light-hearted than just about any other poem I've ever written. Again, this one was written awhile ago like all I've posted today and many others on here. I'm going to add dates to all of these once I get off my lazy bum to look them up from my forum for the post dates.

I wish I could snore like Dumbledore
In his study at night
He's sleeping soundly
Muttering loudly
About socks

I wish I could see like Trelawney
She's up in the heavens above
Looks more like a bug than a dove
Peering into her crystal ball
Predicting danger for us all

I wish I could fly like Harry
Spinning around on a broom
Whoosh, zing, zoom
Halfway up to the moon
Even if some wizards think he's a loon

I am glad I'm not like Voldemort
He's too tall; I'm short
I wouldn't want to be feared
Everyone calling me other names
Running quickly away

I wish I could meet Severus Snape
I really do think he's great
Brilliant and witty
Private lessons would be giddy
I wouldn't even mind having detention every night

That's enough rhyming for now
Maybe later we can ponder
On the Marauders;
Lily and James Potter
Until then

The Damaged Soul

2007-02-06T09:19:00.000-06:00

We are each of us born with a purity of spirit
No baggage to weigh down our claim
Bright eyes to a golden flame
The world open wide: Nothing to fear in it

When does our innocence wane?
The first day we hear our parents yell at each other
The first cruel words said from a lover
In our school days, when a bully calls us a name

Our soul slowly rips and hides for cover
The negative forces gather in droves
Filling our heart with lost hopes
Telling us we'll never be a good father or mother

Despair becomes a slippery slope
Falling further and further from our beginning
Dark clouds, loneliness winning
Finally, our depression makes us no better than Merope

We can no longer stop our sinning
We give our soul away forever
Believe we deserve no better
Our life out of control, spinning

Once we recognize these cruel fetters
Dampened eyes cleared from numerous tears
Our thoughts wiped clean from our fears
We can redeem our past from all debtors

Slowly, we can rise to face our peers
Repair our battered and vacant soul
Grab it back; become bold
In good actions over years and years

Yet even repaired and redeemed, we still contain holes
Cracks for past bad acts
For purity cannot be bought back
The damaged soul can never be whole

Strangers in the Day

2007-01-06T13:19:00.000-06:00

Will you love me in the morning
As you did softly in the night
Listening as the rain drops were pouring
Holding me tight

Where did the magic go
I felt the enchantment pull me along
Knowing another's soul
Is what we did so wrong?

Will we meet next as strangers
Pretend and look away
What a world of dangers
When love is just a game

Touch my hand one last time
Before we part today
I promise not to cry
Nor to let the pain betray

Your life and mine
Together we could live
Instead will we divide
One beautiful memory only to give,
Or a sin to forgive

[short story] The Car Ride

2006-11-26T09:17:00.000-06:00

"Once," he began, "I made the mistake of taking a ride with a couple. My wife and I had been fighting all day about my junky car, which was in the shop, and about our lack of money (our most popular debate topics), and so I went out with friends to a bar. At that time, I was living in the Naval base in Oakland, California. The bar was a regular hangout for me and my naval buddies, only located about 15 miles from the base. My friends decided to leave early, but I didn't feel like going home to another tirade yet, so I stayed there until closing time. I had been chatting with a middle-aged couple at the bar, a man named Patrick and his wife Evyline. They were pretty friendly and I thought I'd seen them in the bar from prior visits. When I was getting ready to leave, I realized I didn't bring enough money to pay for a taxi."

"'Oh, we could take you home,' Evyline noted. 'We go in that direction anyway.' Evyline looked at her husband with a strange glance, and he just grunted it would be okay."

"We went to the parking lot and the car was sporty with dark windows. It was a two-door vehicle, so I had to scrunch my 6 foot 2 inch frame into the back. Evyline decided she would drive as Patrick was nearly falling over drunk. We were on our way. Around 10 minutes into the drive, Patrick already began to fall asleep. A few moments later, he started snoring loudly. It was a bit annoying. I joked with Evyline about it, but she didn't seem to find it funny at all."

"'He's always snoring like that and I can't sleep at night. It's ridiculous! We aren't actually married even, and it really pisses me off!' She continued ranting for a good 5 minutes about his faults, working herself up into a frenzy."

"I kept quiet, although she started swerving on the freeway in the lane and kept looking back at me, turning her head away from the road. All of this freaky activity was frightening me considerably. Then she took an exit off the freeway. Suddenly, she reached next to her seat and pulled out a long blade that glinted against the street lights. We'd taken another turn into a side street and were going much slower now, so I had less focus on her bad driving and could pay attention to the new turn of events. She brandished the weapon while continuing to scream about how Patrick was such a jerk."

"Calming down, she asked me turning her head back, 'His name isn't Patrick, you know? He wanted me to use this knife to take your identification and wallet, but he's the real jerk. Should I kill him?'"

"Stunned, I simply stared back at her wordless."

"'No-one would miss him, and he's such a pain in the ass.'"

Clearing my throat, I reasoned, "'Well, erm, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Maybe, if you just talk to him about these things, you two can work it out.'"

"She stopped the car with a jerk as I braced myself. Opening her door, she bent down to grope in the front seat below the steering wheel. 'Oh my god, I lost one of my contacts,' she muttered, 'and I can't see a damn thing now. Could you help me find it?'"

"As I inclined forward, I noticed that she'd placed the knife onto the front seat's cushion. I pushed the seat forward as she stepped aside for a moment to give me room, then I picked up the knife stealthily before getting out of the car. She moved back to bend down over the seat, while I paused a moment, then I told her I had to go take a piss in one of the yards after all the beer I'd drank. Walking behind the car toward the sidewalk, I looked back. She was still bent over muttering. I ran like the devil was after me along the sidewalk back in the direction we'd driven."

"A few minutes later, I pulled into a yard with an underpass where I could hide. I waited trying to calm my breath. Eventually, I heard a car drive by slowly with the woman shouting out the window, 'Hey, where did you go mister? I thought you wanted a ride home?'"

"I waited there until she passed by and then for another hour or so before I walked home. It was daylight by the time I made it back to the base. My wife was sleeping in the apartment, so I didn't bother to wake her up. I never said a word to her afterwards about the entire incident."

Looking up from the driver's seat into the rear view mirror of the two-door Camaro, he summarized to me, "So, as I said, you have to be very careful when accepting a car ride from strangers."

Snoring in the seat beside him, the man's wife was pretty loud after getting inebriated earlier in the bar where we'd met. "My wife is such a pain in the ass..." He bent down and felt in the area beside his seat. Pulling out a large knife with the metal blade glinting in the street lights, he asked me, "Should I kill her?"

Standing by the Gate

2006-10-28T17:48:00.000-05:00

Do you stand by the gate and watch
As the world passes by
Singing a sad song
Hiding tears, waving goodbye

Do you watch the children playing
Having fun as each year rolls on
Or, see the lovers holding hands
Kissing as they stroll along

Do you notice the old man walking his dog
He has a silver cane and his steps are slow
The dog yanks him to go faster
But time is precious this old man knows

Can you see me watching you
I am always here, too
Standing at another gate in shadow
Never going anywhere; nothing to do

We could come out together
Greet as old friends would
Meet in the park and talk
Stroll along these cracked, lonely sidewalks

We will never do this, though
Always imprisoned in watching the world
Never joining, never leaving
Always standing still

Periphery

2006-08-26T07:35:00.000-05:00

I

As I listen to the night
In silence, in calm
Worries of the day pass away
Lights fade as I slip into shade
On the edge of my mind

Softly take my hand
Freedom is on our lips
Dancing in the moonlight
Amongst the embers

Rainbows glitter in the day
What gentle light waves
Exist in nighttime gloom
To cascade in gentle rays
Up to the crescent moon

Fireflies and feathery moths
Colors darkened within muted tones
In the still, what a thrill
To close your eyes
To slip away
To take the final boat ride
To that final place

A final breath; a final thought
Hovering above me now
Takes its last long journey
Releasing into the air
On the periphery
Branching out, then rejoining there

II

On the edge
My mind
Periphery
Not just a state or time

I don't know you
Even though you stare back
In my mirror
You appear there
But you are not my face

I don't recognize you
Not a single trace
My life is gone now
I only feel an empty place
A bitter aftertaste

I'm sinking
Sometimes slowly
Other times quicker than sand
Into my dreams
In a far off land

I can't feel myself
I don't see you
I can't even talk without mumbling
Incoherent
Thoughts askew

III

Who will I be
When life ends
No longer human
Suddenly a cherished
Or a departed friend

Who will I become
When thoughts are all to remain
Firing neurons stop
The heart ceasing to pump

Can a thought carry on forever
Outside the mind
Printed on a page; written online

IV

So my soul should finally leave
Like a butterfly dancing in a tree
Exiting its cocoon
To fly floating into the wind
Beautiful; free again

Then will there be light or will all be dark
The current world replaced
To what end or what waste
Will that eternal periphery of life embrace

Who I Am

2006-07-18T03:23:00.000-05:00

Selfishly
Greedy me
where everything, everyone
directly relates to one
world revolving around the sun
Who I am

I never have a life
as much as I berate
moan and groan, deprecate

I'll never be a wife
who then can I blame?
sitting alone, every day the same

Here again in this poem
talking about myself
focusing on the shell
where cracks dwell
where parts are broken

The future is not with me
nor in my hands
the future lies dormant
without any seeds
abandoned plans

So if I never have a life
How can I complain?
Is this a shame?

Yes, I'll never have a child
but always be my own
never fully grown

Selfishly
Greedy me
I could be someone
instead I focus intently
on what I'll never be
Who I am

song of the journey's end

2006-07-10T13:24:00.000-05:00

This poem was written for my World of Endar online, interactive narrative. I haven't finished the online novel, but I have a few poems for it. My picture on here is actually one of my Endar characters called Elista. She's one of the blue elves and a major character in the series.

old and new, waiting for you
over the hills and under the sun
waiting for you as life has just begun
waiting for you as long as can be
waiting for you and waiting for me

here again we go together my friend
through these woods deep as sorrow
here again we travel away into every day
through mountains and glens unto tomorrow

gilding and golden, sapling in green
dusty and dark, white into stark
the colors abound throughout our journey
spreading into our hearts at what has been seen
making us age at wisdom's stages

here we shall see all of life's majesty
in the oceans and ponds and what is beyond
footsteps echoing onto hard ground
voices fading out until they have no sound

finally we arrive where we started before
facing each other the same yet we've changed
one of us lives, one of us cries
the other lies down in the cold ground and dies

My True Heart

2006-06-10T17:42:00.000-05:00

Inside me, my heart beats
It sounds and resounds
Hammering, pounding
Blood pumping in and out

The physical side I seem fine
I live my life and die
This organ grows older
Deteriorating slowly

However, the heart has a second side
The non-material, immortal
The sad and happy
The uncaring and caring

As I age, this heart breaks
Then mends, then breaks again
Like a violin's strings
Playing bittersweet songs

Someday, my corporeal heart will stop
Pulsing one last time
My body, my mind will stop in kind
Then from me, my spirit will fly
Out of the true heart inside

Meant To Be

2006-01-21T17:43:00.000-06:00

I met you long ago before I was even born
When the stars were written in the sky
The moon and sun were still young
And Eternity had just begun

You and I would play in whispers
Softly singing in our souls
Merged and melding; warmth and flame
Together we were always the same

Finally, we became separate,
Forced out into the world
To live this cold, cold life
Feeling the vast emptiness inside

Since we were planned beforehand:
We were incomplete, not fully whole
We could still sense the other
And such pain was unbearable

Standing there, I first saw you,
A slight smile lighting your face
You glanced over and noticed me
From then, we knew we were meant to be

Not just for longing, not just in lust
We knew the missing part of our souls at once
Our hearts finally brought back together
Now meshing forever:
The same

Wasting Away

2005-11-28T17:38:00.000-06:00

I've tried to hide who I am
To pray each day would pass away
Through Facade, Lies, Pretend
Never knowing what to say

I have locked myself into a room
Shut the windows and barred them tight
Blocked the light to let in gloom
Fraught with unwillingness and fright

Some have talent and let it go
Others only an ember which fuels a flame
Creating a fire filled with smoke
Leading to mastery and fame

Instead I sit to watch the chill
Enter this room to freeze me more
Any warmth turns to ice in the still
Words become taxed, labored, a chore

I've hidden well who I am
I would pray each day yet it flees away
In the thoughtlessness where sadness begins
Slowly leading to my grave

Hear My Heart

2005-09-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

Hear my heart to sing to me
As stars sink slowly on the horizon
As the moon slowly drifts away
As the sun softly rises

See my eyes, look at me for once
Not thinking of you or your wants
Only to me, inside me, to see who I am
Touching my private thoughts

Believe in me and my dreams
Lift me up to the horizon
On a pedestal of gold blazing toward the sun
To envelop me in warmth

Tell me who you are now, my love
Let me know you as you have known me
Intimate, souls combining
Merging and yet unique

Hear our hearts singing together
As stars slowly rise in the night sky
As the moon emerges from shadow
Clear and bright shining over eternity

Ophir

2005-04-01T13:16:00.000-06:00

Incense burns nearby wafting, assaulting me in heady daze
Colors coalesce, shift within vibrant hues
Then blaze then dull to swerve to greys
Noises drift off as I turn into a side street

Cobblestones crumbling lined by stark walls
A faint humming from an open window
Where laundry hangs flapping in the breeze
Even more distant horns beeping, voices call
From the marketplace where vendors and patrons meet

My steps are random, slow and unsure
Thoughts trying to form into a single line
What dark melody in my mind does then bestir
With a single word paramount, a single place lost in doubt

To understand my musings, when the lure of possibility takes hold
How trains of thought are found then lost
How dreams spin in and out
First hear the story then decide

Once upon a time there was a maiden who had a dream
In that dream the maiden is myself, living a few years hence
In a land on the coast of Africa where green valleys drop into the sea
In a white house on a hill above the valley
In a place where the inhabitants speak Portuguese

At night, she hears the rumbling cacophony of voices plaguing outside
Wanders into the moon-filled night; finds no soul but silence and breeze
Daily, a handsome Portuguese man visits, a scholar from the nearby college
They sit together on a wood bench gazing out into the open, empty valley below

One cool night, she opens her window to find him standing there
He beckons her to follow and she comes outside in drowsy trance
They move towards the valley, below she sees men dressed in pale green armor
Shields lifted high, the army points arrowed shafts slipped on thin, hardy bows

In the far distance she sees a temple gleaming white with a dome
The man holds out his hand, so she does not fear the arrows
He leads her slowly down the hill while the phantom troops disappear
Together, they approach the five-sided building

The doors open
Inside golden recesses gleam
She sees everything for an instant
Then she awakes suddenly, becoming me once again
Back to reality and to ponder if it really exists
Pouring over maps, looking for this lost treasure of antiquity

Someday some future me might find
In this or another lifetime
That beautiful palace--the temple of white
To roam amongst ghosts in the pale moonlit night

Damned for Eternity--2 Swirling Into Darkness

2005-02-28T01:30:00.000-06:00

Haven't read "1 The First Sign" yet? Go read it here!

2 - Swirling into Darkness

After that night, I tried to be around other people as much as possible, not walking alone or staying out very late. Eventually, only a few weeks later, I had already convinced myself that it was all a hallucination of some sorts and re-initiated myself into my declining morality.

I was more out of control now having glimpsed the terror of death, trying to enjoy life to its fullest. I would dance every night. I began using narcotics I had passed up before. I avoided being alone at every opportunity and would take home partners one after the other each night. It didn’t matter if it was the same or a different one (on some occasions more than one) so long as I had someone with me.

I started leaving lights on at the first blush of dusk until daybreak. When I did sleep at night rather than during the day, I would have vivid nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat to realize that I had slumbered only a few moments and the clock would always read 1:57 as if I were re-visiting that time over and over. The dreams I had would linger in an intense feeling of terror, but I could not remember anything beyond fear from them. Sometimes, I would go back to the journal entry I had written for that night as the memory was likewise fading into a haze.

I’m not even certain how long my life went along such a course. It might have been years; it might have been months. Days were slipping into each other in a rapid rate: I could not hold onto them or grasp any thoughts easily. I didn’t want to think, just to act and to live. At one point, I realized that I was accomplishing nothing, that my life was less in control, emptier, and more fearful than ever. Finally, I decided to visit the closest Catholic church, St. Mary’s near the downtown bars, in an attempt to pull any comfort from this long ago childhood sanctuary, the church and beliefs of my younger years. It was my feeble attempt to find explanation into what happened as well. I had spoken to no-one about what I had witnessed, so here would be my opportunity at last to unveil this tumultuous, pent up secret.

I arrived late to the Saturday evening service, slipping into the back most left pew. During the service, everything was disconnected as I tried to recall the routine of the ceremony. I was uneasy, glancing at my watch several times. I debated whether this was all a mistake and I should just leave.

During the communion procession, I automatically joined to stand in line. Slowly advancing in the queue, I started to feel queasy. The sensation kept growing as I stepped forward every few moments. It wasn’t simply butterflies in the stomach or prickling goosebumps on the skin, it was far stronger and began to physically affect me. I swayed almost losing my balance about halfway up to the altar. A few heads turned to glance at me. I flashed a brief, dismissive smile that I was okay, so those watching turned back into place. I tried to calm myself, but I was awash with an actual burning pain. Groping to sort out what was happening, I slowly realized the strongest sensation as loathing. Many different thoughts flitted through my mind, paramount being confusion, but I knew I had to get out of that line. Breaking away quickly, I walked back to my seat, my head bowed down. I knew people were looking at me as I passed by, but I didn’t care. When I sat down again, a tremendous and joyous relief swept over me that I was out of that torturous line. I leaned forward to clasp my hands together, heavily resting my chin upon them. I closed my eyes and now, for the first time since I had entered the building, I began to pray.

The prayer was simple. I don’t remember the precise words, but they were something akin to the following:

Dear Lord,
What the hell just happened?
If you exist, I am very confused right now about everything.
Is my conscience causing this stuff?
Did I imagine that night and my feelings just now?
Please help me, because I really need to understand what this is all about.
Amen

The ceremony ended as I was still trying to calm myself from the experience. People were filtering out and the priest was greeting them at the wide double oak doors as they left. I could hear the chatting voices from my spot at the back of the church when I decided I would venture out to speak with the priest. Perhaps, he could help me relieve this sensation of dread which was slowly washing over me from the whole ordeal. Psychologically, I was certain I was really losing my mind. I was afraid soon this strangeness would be apparent to others and then I would end up locked away in some institution.

Slowly getting up, I went to the front of the church where the priest was standing smiling in his light blue robe. He was shaking hands with some parishioners, an elderly man with a chipped metallic cane and his red-haired (obviously having been rinsed that color) wife. Not wanting to be rude, I waited a few paces back from them until they finished the exchange.

It seemed to take an eternity for them to complete the niceties for their Saturday night visit to church. The church was empty by the time they finally left. The priest smiled at me and held out his hand. “Hi, my child, I’m Father Matthews. How are you doing this evening? First time attending our church tonight?”

“Hello Father. I realize it’s getting late and I really hate to keep you longer. Indeed this is my first visit to St. Mary's. I used to go to church when I was younger, but it’s been awhile since I’ve attended. I was raised Catholic by my parents, though.” I added this last bit almost as an afterthought to make my reason for being here sound more legitimate.

“Ah, very nice that you’ve decided to come back to your roots to attend our mass. Also, sorry, but I didn’t catch your name?”

“Stevens. If you have a moment, I really had something rather strange to ask you about. Possibly, in your office or wherever you’d like that’s more private, just so long as we don’t go to the front of the church.” At that comment, I nervously gave a slight giggle as I certainly had no desire to go back to the front of the church anytime soon.

Looking at me slightly askew, most likely due to the nervous laugh I’d just released, the priest glanced at his timepiece, “Would we possibly be able to re-schedule? I planned to meet with some of my deacons tonight to discuss next month’s church drive. I’d hate to keep them waiting.”

“If you could spare the time and meet with me tonight. I don’t want to be rude, though, so please let me know if that really is too inconvenient for you.” Deciding to be brutally honest as the look on his face seemed to grow harder with each passing word, while I was starting to panic that he would show me the door without hearing my story, “Father, I’m just not sure I can get the guts to come here again to talk to someone about this.” I smiled at him at this statement and nervously laughed again, although I knew that would make him more suspicious at my unusual demeanor and insistence.

Clearing his throat, he stated, “I understand if you have some serious confession to make, my child. Normally, however, we do prefer those are done during our Saturday afternoon confession.” Seeing I wasn’t going to budge with this mention of coming back next week to confess, the priest sighed and pointed into the hall recess which led to his office. “Please follow me, and I’ll call the deacons to let them know I'll be a bit late.”

Seep into the next installment, 3 - The Wind and I, at this spot.

[Vampire] Damned for Eternity--1 The First Sign

2005-02-27T01:26:00.000-06:00

Where It All Begins

If you are fond of vampire tales or other macabre manifestations of the night, you might have noticed a trend for redundancy in such narratives. “Damned for Eternity” is a short novella that attempts to put a new twist on the blood suckers of yore.

Teaser excerpt from later in the story:
The vampire smiled at me with the teeth bared. Its eyes piercing me with a cold, metallic glint as it softly whispered in clear-cut tones of finality close enough to me so that I could feel no breath brushing my cheek with each word, “We do not cast shadows as we are shadows, shades, darkness, night. We are evil from hell and hell-bound. We come from the Inferno to collect the souls of man to damn each one forever and ever. If you do not believe in us or our Maker, then you are not saved and will live with us in eternal night for all time.”

A pale, bluish hand, razor thin with nails delicately pointed, reached up to brush against my face in the lightest caress. I could feel the coolness like a frigid blast throughout my being, so cold it was intensely burning. The hand rested there a moment longer, and I could sense the pleasure the creature was receiving from my exquisite revulsion and pain. It leaned in still further, “Tonight is not the night I will take you. You will know when your time comes for my face will be the last and first one you will ever see.” The vampire's touch left me and it melted away, leaving so quickly that it was almost like the finale in a magician’s disappearing act.

-----------------------------------------

1 - The First Sign

Draped by sheer sadness,
Eternal dead night beckon:
Light my way, Demon

Velvety, soft tears
Restraining circulation;
Pleasure that brings Pain

This is my story of how I became damned, cursed. Of how I sold my soul and very existence to Satan. I am detailing this chronicle of my fall while the last few vestiges of humanity remain so that others might take heed. If you do not believe in Vampires (as I once did not), you soon will.

I grew up Catholic, going to church each Sunday with my parents in their small town parish. During the sermons, I frequently paid little attention to the words, being instead lost in my own world and words, in my own mind. The same followed for my Sunday school lessons. By the time I was an adult, those stories of sin and redemption were ill-forgotten, hazy memories with no impact or meaning on my day-to-day life. If God, Jesus or even Satan were real entities, I didn’t profess to know. I was an agnostic with the “I’m not sure of anything” mentality.

Something happened when I began reaching my late twenties. I started to wonder what I was doing, why I wasn’t enjoying myself more. I had, up to that time, subconsciously allowed a prudish type of behavior to lead me to not go out for parties, go drinking, or seek friends outside my family. At this time, I met a friend who was gay. He started showing me the wilder part of the city—the bars, the drugs, and the voyeuristic avenues of the adult bookstores. I didn’t fully enter into that world, still remaining an outsider at the core, but I drifted even further into debauchery, further away from the world of my childhood. My isolation from everyone intensified during this period and this is where the tale ensues.

One night, I left my friend at the bar to walk home. I lived a couple of miles away and wanted to clear my head after the alcohol I’d consumed. The alley near the back of the bar had a couple grunting in the dark. I could hear their animalistic noises echoing as I hurried past, averting my eyes. The lamplights were dimmed with the snow falling and the air was crisp. It was almost two o’clock for the last call when the bars would let out their patrons as teeming, drunken masses into the calm night, so I hurried quickly to leave downtown.

The air seemed to grow colder as I reached a deserted area where a few businesses had closed shop. A heavier covering of snow blanketed the ground here, making it difficult to walk very fast. The quiet was deafening in its intensity, and I almost wished for the sounds of cars or other people around to break the stillness. Suddenly, I heard a sound like a scream nearby and stopped, listening. I heard the scream again and it seemed to be even closer. I could make out a shadowy figure in black in the misting snow right ahead of me near the side of the small grocery store. Clearing my voice, I asked with a slight wavering note, “Is there anything the matter?” The words seem to cut the air, turning everything from stillness into motion. Suddenly, the figure looked up straight into my eyes. I could see with total clarity the scene before me. A woman on the ground had blood all over her; her pale face plainly depicted her gruesome death. The blood was so thick upon the figure crouching over her as well, staining in dark maroon reds to crimson blacks the already pitch clothes and enriching them into subtle contours of depravity. Seeing my look of horror, the creature’s lips red with blood curled to smile, showing a row of teeth, sharpened, covered in blood. Before I lost consciousness, I heard a laugh so riddled with derision and enmity that I knew I would never forget its sound to the last of my days.

When I woke up, I was by myself on the cold ground. I began shivering convulsively. Lifting myself up onto my right arm, I looked around and there was no-one at all there. I brushed my watch crystal to see the time. It was still slightly before two o’clock as if time itself had stood still. Staring at the clock to make sure it was working, I watched it tick past to 1:58, then redirected my attention to the alleyway next to the grocery store. Getting up, I walked cautiously toward it but nothing was there now, no blood, no footprints, only a few boxes on one wall near a mirror with a rippling crack at the top. I decided at that point to call a taxi, waiting on edge until it arrived. When I reached home, I turned on all the lights and television, then sat up most the night to write a description of what I had seen so that I would remember every detail. When I did fall asleep, it was late into morning as the sun streamed across me in a comforting wave of warmth.

This bizarre sighting was the first sign. I should have taken the warning. I knew in my heart that what I’d seen had been real, that I hadn’t been dreaming it or suddenly taken to insanity.

For the next installment, please see "2 Swirling Into Darkness"

A melancholic tune

2005-02-25T13:13:00.000-06:00

I should note that most of the poems I'm putting up here are older as I'm trying to get all my okay to better poems online on this blog so I have a list of them. Before, they were all on my forum writing site and harder to group. Anyway, I should date these so people don't think they are new pieces, since I don't think they are as good as some I've already posted.

Melody without any music plays in my head today
A faded, melancholic tune repeating senselessly
Streaming thoughts with distant patterns continue endlessly
I have tried too many times to banish them away
without success

Hapless happenstance; hopeless circumstance equally moot
Sitting and silently waiting while nothing truly changes
Stout walls, a half-cracked mirror, books with yellow and curled pages
Dreams of long ago have lost their romance or truth
only to regress

Drying, wasted tears redden on a parched and paling face
The fears of all the days leading onward cling to each other
Where I am alone without any friends, without a lover
Soon to rest as one none would remember or trace
with no caress

Who I Am

To Be Loved

Consecrate

L’enfer, c’est moi-même

Some SysAdmin Stuff

Stay

Reflection

General Tso's Chicken à la Dani

Pollo al Chilindrón

Never free

If I Wake Up

Cheddar Cheese Puffs

White Lasagne

White Chocolate Brownies

Best Ever Potato Casserole

abject

Silver Breeze

Blinded

two feet

Dark Beauty

Finger of Death - short story in progress

Words

The Great Divide

Alive

Awash and Aglow

Lodging for the Night

The Door

Twilight

The Second Riddle

Falling

Emotion Whore

beyond me

Love Me

Poetic Descriptions

masks of water

Godless

As Any Mother Would

when i is lowercase

Decay

Final Credits

Little Yellow Ducky

Hero

shuffle, without repeat

White Rabbit

Emo

The Riddle

Bound

cold embrace

my Demon

zombie

Letting Go of My Heart

Partner Soul

Responsibility

Parting the Cracked Glass

The Box

The Salmon

The Morning After

Damned for Eternity--3 The Wind and I

Cut Me Up

Below the Cellar

An Offering

[short story] The Grave - Part I

Flesh and Blood

Moonlight Kite

**Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind**

Baby

The Starting Tale

Bask in Your Light

Part of Me

The Arrival of Winter

**List of Poems by Date**

streaming

**You Don't Have To Be Jade To Comment on My Blog**

The Playground

indigo petals

Dark to Light

Bathed in Blue

The Festival of Lights

disconnect

The Damned

Lucid Lines from an Insane Mind

List of Poems by Date

You Don't Have To Be Jade To Comment on My Blog